New Year's Eve and Recommitment

New Year's eve was ever so quiet this year. This is not normally how I like to bring in the secular new year, but since it fell out on Shabbat I chose to honor that above the entrance of 2011.

It turned out to be an okay beginning. After a simple fish and vegetable dinner, I cuddled up with a couple of magazines and a new Charles deLint book, Medicine Road. I have found I am quite a fan of Urban Fantasy and Charles deLint has become my favorite author. Sleep tried to take me in but I was at least eager to great 2011 so I managed to stay up. This year seemed noisier that most because when the clock finally struck 12:00 AM, a cacophony of clanging pans, firecrackers and fireworks ensued. I greeted my next door neighbors and simply stood in my doorway taking in all the delightful pops, cracks and clangs! I had to smile as it reminded me of my childhood and New Year's eves I remember with my mother. She was a huge fan of pot clanging and so, I am too.

As my looked into the dark night I also whispered prayers for my children and family. For friends near and far and even for myself. New Year, new beginning. Always.

It is what it is all about after all. The date is after just a point in time, and we surely have many of those points in time. There are many new years, at least in Judaism there are four. Along with that we have each month, rosh chodesh where we can begin again. Then there is each week, each day, in fact every hour or minute we can being again.

So, since I like this idea of the New Year, clean slate and new beginnings, I've decided to best use it and recommit to myself. I chose to be true to myself, my beliefs, my creativity, my music and my art.

I found this poem entitled "To be a Witch" by an anonymous author. I decided to personalize it for myself.

To be me is to be loved and to love.

To be me is to know everything and nothing at all.

To be me is to move amongst the stars while staying on earth.

To be me is to change the world around me and myself.

To be me is to share and give while receiving all the while.

To be me is to dance and since and hold hands with the Universe.

To be me is to honor the Divine and myself.

To be me is to Be Magick and not just perform it.

To be me is to be honorable or nothing at all.
To be me is to accept others who are different.

To be me is to know what I feel is right and good.

To be me is to harm none.

To be me is to know and honor the ways of old.

To be me is to see beyond the barriers.

To be me is to follow the moon.

To be me is to be one with the Divine.

To be me is to study and to learn.

To be me is to be the teacher and the student.

To be me is to acknowledge the truth.

To be me is to live with the earth and it's seasons and not just on it.
To be me is to be truly free!!

http://www.lacychenault.com/violet.htm

Holes

When my mother passed away, many kind friends, family and folks in general tried to comfort me with their words. Words like "G-d doesn't give you more than you can handle.", were highly unsuccessful (simply because I think that is a crock of horse manure) and others I took for their well meaning compassion. There was one friend though, who like me was left motherless entirely too young, and who shared words that gave me great comfort. She told me that at least our mothers meant so much to us that they left such a gaping hole in our lives. Many times I think on these words and I feel their full impact, like right now. It occurred to me the other day while I was talking to my daughter and the tears began to fall, most unwillingly I assure you, that my issue is one of blessing.

Yes, I think I am having such a hard time because I am a very blessed woman. I have had the blessing of home schooling my children and had the privilege of working with my daughter. I have the distinct blessing of having a very good son who came to see me with his lady every Tuesday for dinner.

But now, well now, all that has changed.

There are gaping holes where those times and spaces were. I suppose I am so sad because I was so blessed and no longer have those particular blessings in my life. I still have a wonderful daughter and a very good son, I just don't have them in those same situations. I know I did not take it for granted, so I am grateful for that, but there are certainly some big holes in my heart right now. I know with time I will get through it, recreate time and such. It's just my days and times were marked with their presence and now it's different. Just different because thankfully there is skype, texting, email etc.

On top of all that, there are other familial issues that I am not sure yet how they will work out. :::sigh:::

I know the answer is maintaining a grateful heart and learning to adjust to life as it is now and not dwelling on life as it was. I am just taking each day as it comes but today's rain is NOT going to help.

Thank all that is Holy that I am dancing at a benefit today.

Dark Moon, Dark Me

Funny, how I just turn to this blog when I am feeling low. I have another blog, more my rising sign blog, the face I put on for everyone else blog. This is more my moon sign blog, my down and dirty, feeling blue don't really give a $^% blog. Don't know if anyone reads it, guess I don't figure that is the point anymore, although if you do, I will tell you I appreciate it. Really, it is nice to know there are a few who will climb in the pit with you.

Anyway, today is not so much a 'Pit Post' it is more of a ramble post. Just talking about some observations I am making about my life and myself.

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Black cats are really funny and highly mischievous.

I seriously love my dog, although I do not like to walk him.

I get really lonely in a crowd of people.

I miss my children's childhood.

I fight fear, daily.

I do not enjoy going to sleep at night.

Twilight is my WORST time of the day.

I love who my adult children are, but sometimes struggle with the newness of it all.

I think I stress more about their relationships than they do.

I love so deeply.

I hurt so deeply.

I have a seemingly endless supply of tears.

I still miss my mother, and as my children get older I seem to NEED her more.

I like being a teacher because I love children, I just don't want to work at a school.

I think I am an anarchist by nature.

I like being an Orthodox Jew...most of the time.

I struggle to believe in Magic(k) and just want too because I think I will become a highly depressed person if I don't.

I realize that the last three statements make me some kind of paradoxical anomaly...or just really confused.

I enjoy talking to my family, animals, plants, children, the Universe, and adults... in that order.

I really do not like feeling sad. I think there was a time in my life that I did, but I am no fan of depression at all these days.

I think I am depressed.

I started wearing makeup to cheer me up. It's an entertaining diversion for now. Besides who wants to cry when you are wearing mascara?

I don't enjoy endings and goodbyes.

Twitter and this blog are my screams into the void.

Happy Father's Day...

"Though my father...has forsaken me, Hashem will gather me in." Psalm 27:10

Some Thoughts on Dream Interpretation

I wanted to write a bit about dream interpretation. I am not a big believer in "Dream Meaning Books". For me the only thing they are useful for are really when it comes to archetypes or generic meanings. But most often dreams are not generic and they are your subconscious or higher self or even the Divine speaking to you. Therefore the language will more than likely be uniquely yours. Therefore a book that has some general meaning like "If you dream of a baby it is referring to your infant self" may not necessarily reflect the best meaning of a baby to YOU in YOUR dream. Perhaps it means some new event is coming or you are wanting to start a new path in your life. Perhaps it is a representation of your goals or aspirations. Only you really know. Try to examine your dreams and look at the symbols and what they mean to you personally. This is the best way, I think to interpret dreams.

Also, when asking for another person's insight, be sure what is said rings true with you. In other words you don't have to but whatever the interpreter is saying regardless of their expertise, or even lack thereof. I always tell folks, after I have interpreted their dreams, that the validity of my interpretation is based and is only as strong as the truth that rings with them. If it does not resonate then the interpretation is not correct.

In Judaism, there is this thought that you should pay a dream interpreter. This is based on this passage in the Talmud that states: "Berachot 56a is part of a large sugia on dream interpretation where Rava [her husband] and Abbaye [his friend] consult a professional dream interpreter. The two men describe identical dreams, but Abbaye pays the interpreter and receives good predictions while Rava doesn't pay and gets bad ones. Among Rava's bad news: he will divorce two wives, his sons and daughters will die, and his wife will die. Rava clearly believes these predictions and gets quite upset at the thought of Rav Hisda's daughter dying."

I am not exactly sure what my stance regarding this. It would seem that this is speaking more of untrustworthy interpreters and how their interpretations may effect the dreamer. In other words, if you pay, you will get something positive and if not, well, you're screwed. Although, I am a big believer in the exchange of energy, be in financially or other means, that said, NEVER believe anyone who interprets your dream in a negative way or demands money to interpret is positively.

Dreams, like our magic(k)al workings are either neutral or for the good. They are never bad. Even nightmares can be interpreted for the good if the language is understood properly. Accept only positive interpretations and only trust people whose energies run in this direction. You do not need any one speaking negativity or wrong intent into your life.


Without a Dreamer by Duster Amaranth

Learning to Live

The strangest thing is learning to live since the latest shift in my Universe. My footing has not been all that sure. I seem to be sporadically attacked with nervous stomach, anxiety even. My motivation has retreated into a cave contained somewhere inside my heart. Fear seems to be holding it hostage, which I know I need to put a stop to, but then there's that problem with motivation.

Night time is the most difficult for me. Having to go to bed has always been a challenge for me ever since I was a child. Some strange and nameless fear would try to creep up on me and my thoughts would begin to race, the solutions to the days issues never seeming to come.

But it is also a time a prayer for me. Even it is to just meditate on one of the sefira cards a friend created, or a simple call of my soul, "Please help me, please heal me."

I am pleased to say I am attempting to get myself to bed by a decent time every night whether I want to or not. The meditation card seems to help and I know how very important it is to get to sleep. I know I am the only one who can care for me and nurture me now, so I am trying to learn to care for myself again.

Morning has always been the best time of the day for me. I awaken to the chatter of the birds every morning. Sometimes to the titter of the sparrows and finches, sometimes to the sweet sad song of the Mourning Dove and sometimes to the call of my friends the crows. Their songs and hurried conversations are a great comfort to me. I tend to their feeders being sure to have them full with tasty morsels and they thank me by staying close to my home in the city and singing to me. I think it is more than a fair exchange.

My plants have also been more than occasionally able to work their magick and healing on me. I care for my garden and although it is quite small, I have planted more than plants there. I must have, because I always seem to feel peace when I am in the dirt. I sit with my herbs simply looking at them, touching them. Yarrow has been particularly kind to me whispering words I do not yet understand but that allow me the luxury of tears and the dirges to flow from my heart.

I know somehow, I will climb from this mire.

Someday I will emerge the Warrior.

Someday I will set my motivation free.

The morning reminds me of this.

"In the evening one lies down weeping, but with dawn--- a cry of joy!" Tehillim/Psalms 30:6b

And so the Quest Begins

Last night I had a strange dream that disturbed me a bit. I am not clear on all the details which is fairly unusual for me, but the dream was such that I felt it may be a bit 'prophetic' if you will.

I dreamt I was on a quest, searching either for a goddess or on behalf of one, it was not clear to me when I awoke. On my quest I was alone and I knew I would find her in this area that was covered in lava, even hellish. When I arrived at the place where I thought I was to be I realized it was not hot at all. I looked down and picked up a piece of wood. It was charred and ashy, and showed obvious signs that the area had once been a huge inferno.



I felt somewhat relieved and thought to myself I will find what I am searching for here. Just then I heard an approaching army. Nothing huge, but soldiers on horses nonetheless. I realized they were searching for what I was looking for too, I believe they were going to try to either beat me to it or take it from me. I looked behind me and saw the field of fire, low fire, with lots of embers burning like coal. I had a choice to make, I could not face the army, they terrified me. I did not want to go into the fire, but I chose that way nonetheless.




It was then I woke up.

I had difficulty interpreting this dream. It left me with a hell will continue feeling. Sort of jumping from the fry pan into the fire.

I shared the dream with my daughters who assured me it was a good dream. They said I was making a choice, albeit hard. I laughed and said "Oh great, more hell!"

My youngest daughter then grasped me on both shoulders and said, "Mommy, maybe when you get there you will find that you are the goddess you are searching for."

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