Friday, July 4, 2008

Where has the Great Mystery gone?

Some days I feel so spiritual and mystical. Some days I even feel Magikal!

This is not one of those days.

This morning is quite different and I am feeling everything but that. This morning as I drink my coffee and read other blogs, I am finding myself feeling sad, angry and quite cynical.

At this moment in time I have no belief and no faith and the whole thing seems ridiculous and pointless.

Some Wise Woman aren't I?? When I set up this blog I was feeling hopeful and dreamy, as if things could and would turn around. But today is another story. I am physically tired, emotionally drained, and after reading these posts on other blogs I wonder, what is the point?

Is it indeed a fact that there is no Mystery? No Spirit? No point to any religous affinity? Am I delusional to keep trying to find my faith?

Yesterday I caught my first baby. I am a doula and while we were in the car on the way to the hospital, the baby decided not to wait to get there to say hello, so on route baby came.
I caught the baby.
The most amazing thing that could ever happen, happened to me. I caught another human life. I caught her and helped her out of her mother's womb and handed her to her mother's waiting breast. She cried and rooted and mother and I were grateful for her healthy and safe arrival.
So why today am I am not dancing and singing the praises of the Creator whoever He/She may be. Why did I not grab my sefer tehillim (book of psalms) and say the whole book? Why am I not the happiest being on earth?
Even yesterday as she way being born I just knew that I had to do what I had to do and I did it. The baby was being born and I knew there was no stopping the process. So I reached out my hands and caught this new and precious arrival to the planet and handed her to her mother.
Where is my wonder?


How can I be sodeeply influenced by what others write you may wonder?

It's not so simple you know. It's not so simple because the the rooster that is crowing so loudly this morning came from the egg you laid, kept warm and finally hatched.

It's all very interesting to me this whole process.