Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Dream Name?

As I was waking this morning, I was dreaming, or at least I was in a dream like state. Right before I opened my eyes, I saw the words "Solace Moonwalker", written just like that. It kind of looks like a name now that I read it. It was large and written on what looked like parchment paper, but not written in calligraphy. Perhaps typed, not sure about that detail. I am pretty good at interpreting dreams but have some difficulty with my own and this one has me stumped. I did try to look it up on the internet and all I could find were definitions.

Solace: n
1. Comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or distress; consolation.
2. A source of comfort or consolation.
tr.v. sol·aced, sol·ac·ing, sol·ac·es
1. To comfort, cheer, or console, as in trouble or sorrow.
2. To allay or assuage.

Moonwalk(er): n
A walk on the surface of the moon by an astronaut.
intr.v. moon·walked, moon·walk·ing, moon·walks
To walk on the surface of the moon.

I also found references to Michael Jackson and a 007 movie, but I am pretty sure there is no help in those. I was wondering if any of you folks could offer any insight or a direction to begin searching? It would be so appreciated.


Thursday, November 26, 2009

So....You're a Jew AND a Witch**???

So often I come back to this blog and wonder why I have it. I have even considered taking it down, but I won't let myself. It is my magic(k)al blog and sometimes I do not feel so magical. I struggle more often than not to find my magic. But taking down this blog, that was birthed out of a deep pain and desperate need to express myself freely, without judgment, would be admitting defeat and perhaps even a death to my magic. Even though I may struggle with finding my own inner magic, it brings me so much joy (not to mention fun). To be quite honest, my magic is also what has prevented me from becoming an atheist. Magic has very much helped me keep what little faith (if any) that I had after the bombs of a year and a half ago went off.

But truth be told, being an orthodox Jew and a witch is no easy task. And yes, I am very much in the closet, only known to my family and wise women who enter my home and know, "Ah this is a witchy house!" ::One day a friend came to visit me and noticed a broom that I have hanging on the wall right as you enter my home, and said 'wow did you know that is a powerful G-ddess broom?' HA! I smiled and said, 'Really?' I did not mention that I was the one who made it. ::

Magic has a long history in Judaism, and yes, yes, I know all the verses about witchcraft in the TaNaKH/Bible. I also know about all the wonderful spells the rabbis and kabbalists in the past have done (still do?). The golem is our own Jewish Frankenstein. How about the verse in the gemara that tells you how to discover demons? This involves a not so kind treatment of a black cat. (Mine is very safe, I assure you, I have no interest whatsoever in seeing demons... ) Regardless, there is magic in Judaism. Avraham, Moses, and many others all practiced and knew very high magic.

This is not what I do, I am a simple herbalist/garden/ kitchen/cottage/witch. All that is involved in hearth and home that is where I am and hold. No high magic or ceremonial robes for me. My apron is my robe and my home grown lavender my athame, if you will. Most everything I know is self taught and learned from books and research, which I realize is not the best option, but you have to start somewhere. I think the most wonderful thing that I have discovered is that my mother, grandmothers, were all witches in their own way**. Oh, they certainly would not have called themselves such, (well, mommy might have °Ü°) but not my grandmother. Oh no, brujeria would be very bad, but that does not explain her insistence on having my pregnant aunt cut my hair under a full moon so that it would grow. HA!!

So this is why I keep this blog and why I will write here. I need an outlet for my magical thoughts and endeavors. So what if I am in in the closet. My life remains peaceful this way and I can quietly do my craft without hurting anyone, especially me. 'Harm none', you know, includes yourself and even though I am not Wiccan, (every Wiccan is a witch but not every witch is Wiccan), this saying works right along with Hillel's, "Do not do to other's that which is hateful to you." And hurting others is not my thing, so being hurt isn't either. Listen, I figure the wise woman of past times lived in their homes on the edge of town, and folks went to them for their remedies. Everyone knew what they did but no one talked about it and everyone benefited.

**witch: I prefer to use the term "Wise Woman". Truth is, if this was back in the day most of us would have been burned, hung or whatever cruelty or form of torture done to the. Anyone, particularly females, who knew the times or herbs was suspect to witchcraft. According to Wikipedia the word witch derives from the Old English nouns wicca /ˈwɪttʃɑ/ (masc.) "sorcerer, wizard" and wicce /ˈwɪttʃe/ (fem.) "sorceress, witch". The word's further origins in Proto-Germanic and Proto-Indo-European are unclear. The Oline etymology dictionary has this quote: "At this day it is indifferent to say in the English tongue, 'she is a witch,' or 'she is a wise woman.' " [Reginald Scot, "The Discoverie of Witchcraft," 1584]

Early Morning Medicine

I have felt quite stuck at my latest Medicine Woman lesson. The place that has me stuck, I have come to realize, is a place that I MUST overcome if I am to become who I am meant to be. It is a place that is so pertinent to my life right now and may very well help me to finally begin to discover and allow myself to truly bloom. I came to this realization upon waking up this morning. It is amazing how this 'tween time is my most inspirational. I woke up thinking about the Medicine Woman, and then my mother and then my struggle with weight gain. I began to think about when I had my last major weight loss and how at that time I realized the excessive amount of weight I had put on were because of the emotional and spiritual pain I was in. As I began to shed my protective cover, I began to realize so much of this and release it. I kept it off for several years, but with the passing of my mother, (and a few other bombs that threw me for a loop right before her loss) a year and a half ago, I began to put back on weight. Slowly at first to be sure.

I began my Medicine Woman studies soon after her passing and have found myself struggling and struggling even more with the weight. Could it be depression? Probably a big part, depression and a loss of stability. But even so, why do I struggle so at this particular lesson. This lesson is the one regarding the archetype of the medicine woman and who she really is. Who she is in me, and who I am. As my eyes physically opened today, I felt my spiritual eyes open too and my inner voice say to me, "You are eating to hide her. You are afraid of your own power and what that will mean." Oh my, could this be true? I believe it is. I believe it because I began to feel a relief as the words sank in. I also believe it because as soon as the realization began to seep into my heart, I purposed to write this blog. I got up, in spite of the fact that this is a day off of work, and made sure to journal this moment and to get to work writing it all down. That is the trick, you know, with having a spark of inspiration, you must begin to breathe life on it or it will go out as fast as it came.

So here I am. Now that I have come to this realization, what do I do with it? I believe that my physical waking up is simply a symbolic representation of my spiritually waking up. I am waking up and now that I realize I am stifling myself and realize my fears I shall be able to eat more consciously. I shall reteach myself to pause, make a blessing, and eat and drink with consciousness and purpose. I shall not be afraid of my own power and valiantly walk the path I am called to. Where that will lead, I know not, but courageous I shall endeavor to be.

The early morning mist, off the dock in Maine.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

A thought...

To have commitment means to be utterly devoted . To be utterly devoted means that you have passion for someone/thing. To have passion means that you give yourself over with complete abandon. To give yourself over with complete abandon means that you are reduced and lifted to you most authentic and wild being. To be your most authentic and wild being means to walk in Truth.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Finding My Passion

In lieu of my previous post, I have tried to be proactive and consistent in my search for my passion(s). Since I truly believe my call is to be a Medicine Woman/Healer/Village Wise Woman it only makes sense to do the work that is needed to be the best I can be and hone my skills.

I have begun to immerse myself in my learning. I am searching out and thinking of creating a ritual to help facilitate my learning. Perhaps, facilitate is not the right word, maybe I am actually simply trying to make it a meaningful habit. After all is that not what ritual is? A habit, a ceremony that is repeated and has meaning for those involved.

First and foremost I am setting aside a consistent time each day to do my very important Medicine Woman Mentorship. As I am only on lesson three, the work involved has more to do with me than learning about plants and herbs. Obviously, this is not the 'fun' stuff, but to be sure it is the needful stuff. It is what is helping me to wake up, focus and become aware. I am beginning to change my paradigm and open my eyes, particularly to my own healing and medicine. Along with this, the coursework is helping me to create my own discipline and beneficial ritual in my life and to define and refine my dreams and passions.

I am also learning about commitment and what this word truly means to me. One aspect of commitment that I have been thinking about lately is the commitment to the work and life I desire and to be committed to the care of the planet and its inhabitants. Upon looking at this sentence it would appear entirely too daunting for any one human being to undertake. But that, I am beginning to realize, is not what the commitment is demanding. Healing the world, for me, is beginning in this small way that I am. Small, slow steps. Steps that are ever taking me forward. Steps that are beginning with my own healing and discovery.

"Physician heal thyself". And what of this? Does this mean I have to be 'perfect' and healed before I begin the work that is necessary. No indeed, I do not think so, for if this was the case, than no work would ever be done. This work is what will bring my continual healing and growth. This necessitates not ignoring my own pain or denying it in a codependent way. It urges me to seek out the medicine I need. So seek I shall.

Monday, October 26, 2009

"The thing you set your mind on is the thing you ultimately become."

This quote is from Nathaniel Hawthorne. I discovered it this morning as I was perusing Facebook. I decided to use it as my status, since for me it is indeed very timely. My mind has been set of a myriad of things and on nothing at the same time. I actually started reading "Walden" and so I have been thinking alot about living my dreams, or as Thoreau put it,'going in the direction of my dreams'. So when I saw this Hawthorn quote, it made sense and seemed to fit. If I set my mind on it, my dream, my reality, my authenticity, I will become it. It worked in my young motherhood, why not now. But here is the thing...I was so highly motivated when I was a mother. I was discussing this with a dear girlfriend/sister of mine and she pointed out a few things.

I think (and what do I know ;) ) it is because we found it more satisfying and worthwhile to do what we believed/what we knew to be right for our families than we do when we are just doing what we believe is our path. And so many obstacles stared us down and we quickly and easily adapted to whatever we had to. And there were so few choices. Real choices. It was always so easy to see what we shouldn't do. We were in defense mode more often than not. Protecting, raising, nurturing others. Now that we have more time to pursue OUR dreams it's so different. We are playing offense now! Able to aggressively pursue things, if we so choose. Sometimes too many choices! Personally I find it very difficult to let myself realize how much my life has changed. How so few people actually depend on me these days. Many times I said to myself (and out loud) I just want to live to get my children grown. Why? I never really had any reason to believe I wouldn't. But at times it seemed like a lofty goal. Now I want to live until I am done! Done with what? I don't know yet, but I feel like there is so much I still want/need to do!

I don't *think* it is a matter of self-worth, but as much as I am trying to enjoy this season, if I act too quickly on my own behalf, I feel a sense of guilt. Then I have to tell myself it's okay. That is what this season is for. While we are still young enough to start something new and actually finish it!"

I really think she hit the nail on the head for me! Being a mother was so easy for me inasmuch as I was highly motivated to raise my family, protect them and nurture them. I seem to lack this strong motivation when it comes to mothering myself and defining and pursuing my own dreams. It was indeed far easier to play the defense and know what was right for my family. Playing the offense for myself, on the other hand, means aggressively seeking out and walking in the path of my dreams.

Another friend who called me unexpectedly, continued this conversation with me. I began to share with her my struggles over my growth and my children's growth. I shared with her how lost I mostly feel. She told me that the trick is to find the "hobby that you are as passionate about." When she said that I almost leapt out of my skin at the epiphany I had! That was it! That was/is my struggle! My passion for being a mother, for raising my children drove me completely! It drove me to move to better locales. To end or begin relationships. To walk spiritual paths and lifestyles all for their benefit and betterment. Of course I benefited, but mostly in my role as a mother, which was all consuming. Now what?! Now what do I do? My children no longer need me the way they did. I reap the rewards of my past life by having a secure, trusting, respectful and loving relationship with each of them but what do I DO now?

I am searching for the Truth, thing, cause, purpose, devotion that drives me for ME and only me. I am in search of that which I believe, embrace, love, follow, walk, etc. because I believe it is good for me and only me. Strangely enough the difficult thing now is to make decisions for myself. To live my OWN authentic life, discover who the heart of me is NOW and to not feel utterly selfish or silly doing it.
I suppose in many ways my 20 something year old children and I are on similar paths. Only I seem to be hesitant to push my way through the brush. I lack the recklessness of my 20's, the 'come what may' attitude which enabled me to take risks and hardly ever count the costs. But the Truth is these things are overrated because they lacked the depth of wisdom that I have acquired as I continue to walk the planet. Perhaps I am not leaping off the canyon cliff falling headlong into tomorrow, but I am steadily and more sure footedly climbing the side of the mountain and along the way, I am resting, enjoying the scenery and growing stronger and wiser. I think that for me it is boiling down to the discovery and realization of what my true medicine is. It is also coming to a place in my life where I define my heart and soul's dreams and let go of the fantasies that no longer serve me.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A Bedtime Song

I have the privilege of being able to have my beautiful niece and nephew here with my every couple of months for a week. They are darling, active and sometimes all too much for me! After our busy day we have of course the bedtime ritual, bath, story and bed. Last time my nephew was up he requested I sing "twinkle, twinkle, little star" and so I did. He just loves this song, as I am finding most children do and is probably why there are at least three classic children songs to the same tune. I enjoyed singing the song and thought to myself 'what would be wrong with adding another song to the already famous tune?' I wanted it to be a special lullaby just for them. Well, actually I am sharing it here with you so you can sing it too to your child, niece, nephew or special child in your life.

A Lullaby

Now it's time to say goodnight,
Father Sun turns out his light,
Mother Moon wakes up and says:
Time for __________ to go to bed.
Now it's time to say goodnight,
Give me a kiss and hug me tight!

Artwork by Jennifer Nilsson

Monday, August 3, 2009

The Voice by Celtic Woman

I stumbled on this video and was quite simply mesmerized by it! Please enjoy this lovely and very meaningful song.

"The Voice"

I hear your voice on the wind
And I hear you call out my name

"Listen, my child," you say to me
"I am the voice of your history
Be not afraid, come follow me
Answer my call, and I'll set you free"

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice, I will remain

I am the voice in the fields when the summer's gone
The dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow
Ne'er do I sleep thoughout all the cold winter long
I am the force that in springtime will grow

I am the voice of the past that will always be
Filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields
I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace
Bring me your peace, and my wounds, they will heal

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice

I am the voice of the past that will always be
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice of the future
I am the voice, I am the voice
I am the voice, I am the voice

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Wonderings on Religion and Fear, G-d and the Shechinah

First of all, let me just state for the record for the most part I like religion. It is a fascinating and very interesting topic of study for me. I particularly like my religion, but I am not interested into turning anyone else onto it. In fact if you told me you wanted to convert to my religion I would ask you if you were out of your mind. It is hard to do what I do, but 90% of the time, I really like it. What does that mean? Well, in the religion that I practice, Judaism , I am pretty strict. I follow the laws of eating and the holy days, which means I am shomer shabbat and shomer kashrut. The things I don't agree with, as long as they don't make me crazy, I go along with too. What I don't like about any religion, including mine, is when it's leaders feel the need to teach you something to be fearful of. Usually it is a, "If you don't repent now, G-d is going to get you! Not only that but He is going to punish you AND our people in a BIG way!" I really HATE this! The main reason is because somehow I manage to STILL become FEARFUL even after all these years! I hate being afraid of G-d!

I suppose it's because of the abusive background that I grew up in with an authoritative, cruel and abusive father. I have spent much of my adult life trying to understand, and in the past few years, trying to re-create G-d in my image. I like see G-d more as a Divine Parent. Very much like the parent I have striven to and still strive to become. Loving all the time and allowing nothing to come between my children and I or damage our relationship. I also work at being accepting and non judgmental of the decisions my children make. That, quite honestly, is something I daily work on. Truthfully, as long as they "harm none", including themselves, I have every reason to be grateful. Thankfully, my children are highly moral and ethical people. Mostly they have taken different spiritual paths, or in one case a non spiritual path. That one was particularly painful for me, but this child is a very good and fine person. What more can a parent ask for? I get phone calls and wonderful conversations and we have a great relationship. I am most grateful for this.

The archaic and fear mongering image of the 'old man in the sky' were really escalating on the Internet since this past Wednesday night started the fast of Tisha B'av, the Jewish National Day of mourning that commemorates the loss of the first and second temple along with other national tragedies that occurred on this day in Jewish history. I just read (don't ask me why!) a blog that was detailing why American Jewry is in grave trouble and how all the mekubalim (kabalists) in Israel are predicting doom, doom and more doom for us over here in the states, mostly because of our lack of emunah (faith) in G-d and the result of our new president. ARGH! What is the point of frightening people into faith?! Does it ever really accomplish anything? To me it seems this baseless fear begets anger and hatred which begets disease and war, which end in destruction.

I lived so many years in fear and I don't want to anymore! I lived so many years fearing my father and his wrath. I finally distanced myself from him for some years now, but there is always this idea of the Thunder GD waiting and willing to get me. My father's cruelty and abusiveness apparently still get to me, especially in my spiritual life. I am happy to say that over the years, I have healed much and I have gotten better, but apparently articles like this still trigger emotions.

In many ways I think this is why I have sought to find and turn to the Shechinah, the Divine feminine. I personally want to know her better. In my recent readings, I learned a little about the sefirot and the Shechinah. The Shechinah is the Divine Presence, the Divine Feminine that is 'exiled' here with us on earth. As I understand it, this is where She desires to be, here with Her children. Judaism teaches us that the Shechinah is who is at the weddings, the births and the sickbeds. It is the Divine Feminine that comes to us to comfort and strengthen us in our times of greatest joy and need. I can see this and relate to these thoughts. I see Her and understand Her as the Tree of Life and the very Essence of the life giving Earth herself. I see Her as the Life Giver, the Nurturer, the Mother. I see Her and try to connect with Her. I find this easier as I hear and see Her in all of Nature.

I am certainly not trying to separate G-ddess from G-d, for as I believe and Judaism teaches Hashem is One. But One is not limited to (and in my opinion does not include) the 'Thunderous Old Man' in the sky. One is the Essence and Source. One is the spark of the Divine that dwells in each and every one of us, and in every being and thing that inhabits this earth, (yes, I am panentheistic). One is the YKVK dwelling in the upper sefirot and the the Shechinah here in malchut, the kingdom, with us.

She is not a deity of fear, but of renewal. She can and is awe inspiring! Sometimes this can be as simple and as peaceful as a birdsong, or it can mean something as terriblly awesome as an explosive volcano or tsunami. But She is not out to get me, she does not wait for me to make a mistake so she can hurl me body and soul into the pits of hell. She is Mother, Imma who will speak her mind, tell me how it is, and then take me in her arms and love me. She shows me and allows me to walk in my pain, and offers times of rest and refuge deep in her roots. She is to me more about relationship than religion, as she teaches me daily from all that I do and see. I hear her voice all around me and see her form in the rolling hills and knotty trees.

To me, I worship and seek to draw closer to the One, the Source, Divine, G-d and G-ddess, Heaven and Earth and every being that inhabits all and into which the Divine resides. I reject baseless fear and the perpetuators of fearful teachings. I embrace the teachings of Life, of Love, of Birth and Renewal. I embrace the love of the Earth and all of it's inhabitants, plant life and allies, animals and people.

I am sure this will evolve as I do, but for now that is my story and my current leg of the journey. I look forward to see where this will take me. To be continued...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Searching for the Hidden Joy

Adar is a particularly interesting month. We are taught that Mishenichnas Adar Marbim B'Simcha, when Adar arrives our joy increases. Adar is about what is hidden, concealed and Adar is about potential. The potential to grow and to change darkness into light. It seems appropriate to have this month at the very beginnings of the spring when the earth is just beginning to wake from her long winter slumber. Seeds and plants that have been resting all winter are beginning to peek their heads up out of the earth and buds are appearing on trees everywhere. I suppose this why 'When Adar comes our joy increases', because the joy has always been there, it was just hidden. It was resting and nourishing that which it needed to and now the time has come for it to slowly spring forth!

The Hebrew letter that is associated with the month of Adar is kuf. The kuf is the one letter that decends below the surface and symbolizes that in adar the potential is there to go deeper. The letter kuf is the the proverbial "eye of the needle". It is the absurd difficulty before us, 'trying to get the camel, elephant, (pick your animal) through the eyes of the needle. The kuf also stands for "Kof" or monkey and symbolizes laughter.

The astrological sign of Adar is Dagim or Pisces. Have you ever gone to the river's edge and gaze into the water at first seeing nothing and then all of a sudden tiny fish appear everywhere! Fish live hidden beneath the waters. Fish swallow by their prey and According to the gemara in Esther Rabbah 7:11, "Fish swallow by their prey, but can be swallowed too!" It is a continual cycle of nourishment, of life and death and dark and light. All neutral and necessary.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Escaping with a Book

The past year I have been reading more fantasy type novels. This is not my usual habit, but considering the way I have been feeling it is good to escape now and again with a book. I have just finished a lovely and well written book by Juliet Marillier titled Wildwood Dancing. It a fairy tale of a young girl named Jena and her four sisters. Her best friend and confident is an enchanted frog that perches on her shoulder most of the time. Her most joyous time is during Full Moon when she and her sisters travel through their secret portal to the Other World for the monthly Ball. Although a well meaning young lady, she must learn that she cannot and should not control everything and everyone. When her ill father leaves their home to avoid the harsh winter, Jenica feels the full brunt. She is not the oldest but very much assumes the role of the oldest daughter feeling responsible for her sisters and the household. The story though is far deeper than the young ladies escapes into Other World and has many things are not as they appear. Ms. Marillier delves deeply into Jenica's struggles and wonderfully shows her growth. Of course there is a Witch, various magical creatures and the 'bad' guy. Although this book is geared to young adults I would recommend this book to all.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Witch Ball

I have always wanted a witches ball. My sister has several and I always thought they were so nice! Well, today I was visiting her and she gifted me with a lovely cobalt blue witches ball! It is so special, just as she is. I hung it up promptly as soon as I arrived back home and I just love it.

I looked up the story behind the witches ball and this is what I found on wikipedia: "A witch ball is a hollow sphere of plain or stained glass hung in cottage windows in 18th century England to ward off evil spirits, witch's spells or ill fortune, though the Witch's Ball actually originated among cultures where witches were considered a blessing and these witches would usually "enchant" the balls to enhance their potency against evils.. Later, they were often posted on top of a vase or suspended by a cord (as from the mantelpiece or rafters) for a decorative effect. Witch balls appeared in America in the 19th century and are often found in gardens under the name "gazing ball". However, "gazing balls" contain no strands within their interior.

According to folk tales, witch balls would entice evil spirits with their bright colours; the strands inside the ball would then capture the spirit and prevent it from escaping."

Mine happens to be cobalt blue and traditionally they were either blue or green. The are mostly made of blown glass or stained glass, but can be made of other materials such as wood, grass, or twigs.

Mine is now hanging by my window and on it's thin filament string it looks as if it is floating in mid air. Quite magickal indeed!

As soon as I find my camera I will take a picture of my witch ball. The image above is what mine looks like. It is from Molten Spirit Glass Studio's Esty Shop.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Dark Night of the Soul

All is hidden,
And nothing is at it seems.
Confusion seems to abide
Discomfort, my only choice.
Where has the light gone?
Where is my peace?
I wonder as I wander through the forest's gloom
Searching for a way out,
Looking for an answer...the Answer.
I seek to set a path, straight and narrow and am rewarded with cuts and scrapes on my already bloody legs.
I trip and I tangle, and struggle to stay upright.
I am led deeper and deeper into the darkness,
The sun is gone from sight.
My hands have become my eyes as I reach blindly in front of me.
I find the bark, the wrinkled skin of an Old Wizened One.
I caress her tall body and throw my arms around her crying.
"Oh help, do help!"
"Rest", she tells me, "Rest in my roots".
I allow myself to slowly sink to her base and find myself weeping.
Her own tears, as leaves, flutter down to me and comfort my weary being.
I lay my head on her breast and hear the heartbeat of my green Mother,
And I sleep.
I sleep the sleep of a babe in her mother's arms and am awakened with the song of the Morning Dove.
My eyes are heavy and swollen and struggle to open.
I look up and I smile.
She has not left me, she guarded me the night through.
"Rise, dear one and set yourself on your journey once again."
I hesitate to answer, wondering if I must and if I can.
"Why can I not stay here with you? Why can I not make my home at your feet?"
"Dear one, despair not, you will find me again, although perhaps by another name.
I may not appear the same, but know me you will.
I am the moss and the herb.
I am your song and your dance.
I am you and you are me.
You will hear my voice, you will feel my life and you will know my touch.
Do not fret the journey ahead and rely on no map, for there are none.
Simply quiet yourself and listen for the whisper of my heart.
Then you will not worry about the path, for there are many.
You will not worry about home, because you are here.
You will not despair and fear for I will be where ever you lay your head.
Partake of me and be enlivened once again."
I again shed tears.
I want to believe, but my faith was lost among the thorn bushes.
I want to trust, but my strength is gone.
Once again I lay at her roots, my tears watering them deeper and deeper.
Her tears mingle with mine and I am blanketed by them, resting once again.

Monday, February 23, 2009

I'm A Medicine Woman Too!

I just finished reading this wonderful book by Jesse Wolf Hardin of the Anima Center. It is a lovely true story about Rhiannon, Wolf's 8 year old daughter, and her wonderings and discovery of who she is. It is a richly illustrated book with beautiful pictures of herbs, flowers, plants and all different kinds of Medicine Women. Written with 3-12 year old children in mind, I can attest that this book enraptured me and spoke to my own soul. One fun feature is the 'Name that Herb' game at the end of the book. It tested my own skill and has encouraged me to look deeper into each one. I whole heartedly recommend this book to anyone who has a child, knows a child, or has a child's heart and eyes and loves to play among the flowers! You can purchase "I'm a Medicine Woman Too!" by clicking the hyper link.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Spiral

Always spinning
Never ending path
First to the center and then back outward again
Returning back to who I will become.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Creativity and Colored Pencils

This past Monday I was off of work, (thanks to the remembrance of deceased Presidents), so my youngest daughter and I scampered off to B&N to look at books and have a coffee. While I was perusing all the stacks of books I wandered into the New Age section and found the '09 Llewellyn's Magical Almanac. It is much like the Farmer's Almanac but with a twist, if you will. I bought one several years ago and remembered I enjoyed the stories and other information in there, so I decided to purchase this year's with the hope of finding some inspiration or at least diversion. After peeking through it a bit I happened upon the last article titled, "Be Magical". I really enjoyed reading this piece very much. The author made an acronym out of the words, Be Magical, using each letter as a daily reminder and encouragement. I was inspired by the words and decided to make my own illustration of the words in the book and create a reminder of my own out of it. Here is my creation using my favorite drawing medium, fine tipped marker and colored pencils!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Medicine Woman Course

After about a year of thought and searching I have finally decided to enroll in the Anima Center's Medicine Woman course. I am quiet excited and nervous about it. I have always desired to be a Wise Woman and according to Susun Weed, all women seem to have this "invisible thread of the Wise Woman Tradition" running through them. Like many before me, most of what I did was self educated. The only things I have had formal training and certification in is Usui Reiki, Level 2 and being a Doula, through CAPPA. The rest of my knowledge in healing, herbs, reflexology, crystals and oils, etc., has all been through my own reading, talking to others and experimentation. To be quite honest I suppose that is how it is done, through talking to others, particularly women and especially the grandmothers. But I also wanted some guidance and mentoring and believe this course is the answer for me.

I have many hopes concerning this journey. I hope to heal myself, to release that which constantly tried to bind me and embrace that which frees me. I hope to become more whole and more authentic to my own nature. I hope to help others to also accomplish this. I hope to learn how to bring this learning and teaching to the city to help others. I hope to learn more about the plant allies I have growing right here where I live. I hope to help my own family and I hope to do more to help the folks around me. I hope to be an influence on all around me to stop and open their eyes to the magic that is around them. I hope to open my own eyes and see it too.

Monday, February 16, 2009

The Three Legged Stool

Once I had three legged stool that held my entire universe. One leg was my religion and belief in the Creator I called G-d, the other was my mother, and the third was my children. It has been almost a year ago since the first leg was broken from my precious stool, the one that was my faith and belief. It seems almost ridiculous to tell you that the break was begun by one of my children, the third leg. They did not actually take it from me as much as inflict a severe break on it. How could they take something so precious as faith and belief from me when all my life no one could have done this to me you may wonder? I am not so sure myself. Perhaps I place too much value on this young one's opinion. Perhaps I was never so sure of my faith to begin with. I did try to hold on for a time afterward and refused to give up until...until the second leg was broken and removed from me, the leg that was my mother. She left me and this planet 10 months ago and the loss is irrevocably abysmal. This, I suppose, was the final blow to my wavering faith. I was and am still very angry. I was and still am haunted by dreams and tears. How could I feel so abandoned? How could I have reached this point in my life? There is much that has led me to this point. Now I feel like a lost child searching for home. My universe has tumbled and now I know not what to do, and thus I have been for almost a year. A year of loneliness and un-surety, of tears and sadness.

And what of the third leg you ask? Thankfully, I am most blessed among mothers and have the most amazing children that have come forth from my womb. They love and accept me, although I am sure they do not understand me. They respect and honor me and there is little if anything more I could or dare ask for from them. But alas, a one legged stool can hold naught of the universe I once cherished. They are most precious to me, but they need me in a far different capacity than they once did.

I once defined myself wholly as Mother and Daughter and those definitions have slipped through my fingers like sand. I must recreate and redefine who I am. If I fail to do this I feel I shall continue my journey on planet earth sleepwalking, even as the living dead.

I stand here in the darkness holding my broken stool and see naught of what lies ahead. Am I imagining a vioce that whispers, ahead? I too am as Pandora, broken and fearful, I am peering into my box, reaching in and searching for Hope.

Friday, January 23, 2009

The Broken Vase

As I look before me, I see the shards of a once beautiful vase.
Who could have left it in such disarray I wonder to myself?
I carefully look closer and see that it was once a stunning vessel of Light, multifaceted and tall.
Once upon a time it held regal long stemmed roses, at times beautiful wild flowers, and other times even a bouquet of dandelions eagerly given by small chubby fingers.
It seems that it had been broken several times before and glued back together. Although not perfect it still had a purpose. Perhaps it could not hold as much as it had once but it was a useful vessel nonetheless. But this time, the break was too much. Repair upon repair had made it weak and there was nothing left to do but to throw it out.
Throw it out? Such a waste, I thought to myself. Throw it out?? Is there not something that can be done, some way to save a piece, a remnant? As I bend down to tenderly gather the pieces I am careful to find each one. I hold them together and realize what I must do. They must be completely broken, crushed to dust and then recreated, reborn into a useful vessel once again. After the long and careful process I gaze upon the vase, and what I see surprises me. It is not the same vessel it once was, it is stronger and more useful.
I hold it up and gaze once more upon it's beauty. Once again it holds Light and wildflowers, roses and dandelions. It is tall and proud once more.
Looking deeper at it I see a reflection and it smiles weakly. The reflection of Light and of me shine back and we are whole.