Monday, October 26, 2009

"The thing you set your mind on is the thing you ultimately become."

This quote is from Nathaniel Hawthorne. I discovered it this morning as I was perusing Facebook. I decided to use it as my status, since for me it is indeed very timely. My mind has been set of a myriad of things and on nothing at the same time. I actually started reading "Walden" and so I have been thinking alot about living my dreams, or as Thoreau put it,'going in the direction of my dreams'. So when I saw this Hawthorn quote, it made sense and seemed to fit. If I set my mind on it, my dream, my reality, my authenticity, I will become it. It worked in my young motherhood, why not now. But here is the thing...I was so highly motivated when I was a mother. I was discussing this with a dear girlfriend/sister of mine and she pointed out a few things.


I think (and what do I know ;) ) it is because we found it more satisfying and worthwhile to do what we believed/what we knew to be right for our families than we do when we are just doing what we believe is our path. And so many obstacles stared us down and we quickly and easily adapted to whatever we had to. And there were so few choices. Real choices. It was always so easy to see what we shouldn't do. We were in defense mode more often than not. Protecting, raising, nurturing others. Now that we have more time to pursue OUR dreams it's so different. We are playing offense now! Able to aggressively pursue things, if we so choose. Sometimes too many choices! Personally I find it very difficult to let myself realize how much my life has changed. How so few people actually depend on me these days. Many times I said to myself (and out loud) I just want to live to get my children grown. Why? I never really had any reason to believe I wouldn't. But at times it seemed like a lofty goal. Now I want to live until I am done! Done with what? I don't know yet, but I feel like there is so much I still want/need to do!



I don't *think* it is a matter of self-worth, but as much as I am trying to enjoy this season, if I act too quickly on my own behalf, I feel a sense of guilt. Then I have to tell myself it's okay. That is what this season is for. While we are still young enough to start something new and actually finish it!"


I really think she hit the nail on the head for me! Being a mother was so easy for me inasmuch as I was highly motivated to raise my family, protect them and nurture them. I seem to lack this strong motivation when it comes to mothering myself and defining and pursuing my own dreams. It was indeed far easier to play the defense and know what was right for my family. Playing the offense for myself, on the other hand, means aggressively seeking out and walking in the path of my dreams.

Another friend who called me unexpectedly, continued this conversation with me. I began to share with her my struggles over my growth and my children's growth. I shared with her how lost I mostly feel. She told me that the trick is to find the "hobby that you are as passionate about." When she said that I almost leapt out of my skin at the epiphany I had! That was it! That was/is my struggle! My passion for being a mother, for raising my children drove me completely! It drove me to move to better locales. To end or begin relationships. To walk spiritual paths and lifestyles all for their benefit and betterment. Of course I benefited, but mostly in my role as a mother, which was all consuming. Now what?! Now what do I do? My children no longer need me the way they did. I reap the rewards of my past life by having a secure, trusting, respectful and loving relationship with each of them but what do I DO now?

I am searching for the Truth, thing, cause, purpose, devotion that drives me for ME and only me. I am in search of that which I believe, embrace, love, follow, walk, etc. because I believe it is good for me and only me. Strangely enough the difficult thing now is to make decisions for myself. To live my OWN authentic life, discover who the heart of me is NOW and to not feel utterly selfish or silly doing it.
I suppose in many ways my 20 something year old children and I are on similar paths. Only I seem to be hesitant to push my way through the brush. I lack the recklessness of my 20's, the 'come what may' attitude which enabled me to take risks and hardly ever count the costs. But the Truth is these things are overrated because they lacked the depth of wisdom that I have acquired as I continue to walk the planet. Perhaps I am not leaping off the canyon cliff falling headlong into tomorrow, but I am steadily and more sure footedly climbing the side of the mountain and along the way, I am resting, enjoying the scenery and growing stronger and wiser. I think that for me it is boiling down to the discovery and realization of what my true medicine is. It is also coming to a place in my life where I define my heart and soul's dreams and let go of the fantasies that no longer serve me.




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