Wednesday, March 10, 2010

While on a walk yesterday...


The children and I discovered these crocuses.

Tiny and joyous harbingers of the soon arrival of Spring! I asked them to really look at them, tell me the colors they saw, count the petals etc. Then we came across another variety. One of my students pointed out that this one was in the shape of the triangle. Oh my!

What a wonderful discovery, the triquetra here in the crocus. A symbol of The G-ddess, the Divine Feminine exhibited in this tiny flower. While snow still lies on the ground, She reminds me She is here. No matter how cold I may feel, how hallow, how alone, She is here. She sends us tiny reminders to encourage me, to light my way.


Child one: How do you ask permission of the plants? They can't talk.

Me: Actually they do, you just have to be quiet enough to listen.

Child two: They always say yes!

Me: Well, I suppose in many ways, they do not have a choice. But as long as we are always respectful and ask, don't take too much and are trying to learn about them perhaps they don't mind.

The hidden world, looking inside we find...

The beauty and...

the abundant fruits of who we truly are.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Retreat and Dance, Just a Ramble

This weekend I will be away. This is always a challenge for me because being a hyper cancerian, I hate to leave home for overnight, in fact it sends me into a bit of anxiety but I am pushing myself and I am leaving this afternoon to a ladies retreat. It is a bit of a trick for me since I also keep shabbat so I had to work those issues out. I think I have most if not all the details done.
I will welcome the Shabbat Queen myself, lighting candles, singing to the angels and making kiddush on my own. I will then later join the group for the communal activities. At the end of shabbat I will make havdalah on my own, I imagine. I have a friend who will hopefully be staying with me at least part of the time, so if there are any lighting issues she will help me out.

I am looking forward to this retreat. In many ways, judging from my past few posts, I think I need it. ;-)

I am also going to be performing this Sunday with my troupe! This makes it two dancing Sundays in a row with several Sundays in April already booked up for dancing. We are planning to hold auditions for our troupe in May so hopefully we will be growing in numbers very soon.

Well, that's it for now. Off in search of more caffeine!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Asherah, Gold Fish, Snakes, and Trees

This is an interesting dream I had this morning. It is very interesting particularly because I had a rather violent dream the day before. Any insight?

I dreamt I was at some kind of social function. You had to name a goddess to gain entrance. I was standing there and there was a lady who was trying to get in . I said "Asherah" as if I was willing her to say the name. She had a huge umbrella and she named some kind of supposed Ethiopian goddess. I said she made that up. (Not sure why that mattered to me in my dream) Then I wandered off (BTW I was dressed as me now) and found my youngest sister filling bubble bottles, the kind they use for
receptions, and measuring the amount of liquid in them on a scale. She was doing this because there were dead bugs floating on the top and gold fish swimming in the bottles. Her boyfriend asked me to help her and her went in to help her too. I was skimming the bottles of the bugs and noticing the gold fish swimming. I made a joke about how people might enjoy keeping the goldfish. Then one of the gold fish swam out of the bottle on some invisible stream. He was swimming in mid air. I caught him and was afraid he would not be able to breath in the open. But then after I put him back I realized he could not breathe in the bubble mixture. I took the bottle with the goldfish and when I looked in I discover two snakes, one baby cobra and one garter. I found myself in a pet shop with enormous tanks of fish and I put them in. I am not afraid of the snakes and they seem quite happy to be in the tanks. There
are so many fish that I cannot find the goldfish but they are not floating at the top and I assume they are safe.

I wander off and find that there are people getting ready to do some Israeli dancing. I am shy to join them but I sit to chat. They ask who and what I am. I tell them I am religious but I have some trouble believing. I tell them I love being Jewish and I keep everything. What does that mean? they ask me. I tell them shabbat etc. A man says to me, I do the same. I believe him although I note he does not have a kippah on. I try to tell them more, but they keep interrupting me, and talking about their things. All of a sudden someone starts to sing "Shema". It is quite lovely and although I think to myself, they probably should not use Hashem's name like that, I don't say anything because I think they are like children and there love is real. They start to dance and my dance teacher is there. She is supposes to help, but she tells me she is afraid to introduce herself because she may want to shake hands with Gavriel her contact person. I tell her not to worry, Gavriel is not
like that and will shake her hand. I offer to go with her. I need to go to the restroom, but I go with her to offer support. As we walk over my assistant from work shows up and starts chanting, "we cut your tree down, we cut big ugly tree down." and I see that they are about to dance around the remnants of a stump of a huge tree. It is interesting that they left the very bottom of the stump and the floor was built all around it. I get very serious and look at her with dark eyes, but
without confidence, and I say, "I do not need that tree to work my magick" Then I see a HUGE and very OLD, I think Olive tree right outside the door, "I do not need your tree to work my Witch Craft, I can use that tree" and I point to the old tree and I wake up.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

The Phone Call That Won't Get Answered

Yesterday I was looking through my phone contact list. Scrolling down through each letter I got to "M"...M for Mom. There I saw my Mother's phone number, both home and cell. My mother has been passed away now for almost two years this April. Two years since I have heard from her and two years since I called. I saw her cell number there and, don't asked me what possessed me, I called. What did I think would happen? Perhaps I was thinking that one of my reoccurring dreams, the ones where my mother calls me, would come true. Maybe, maybe I thought she would answer or at the very least, I would hear her voice on the voice mail. Don't know, guess I just wasn't thinking. The phone rang and rang and then finally that woman, that same woman whose voice fills in for all the people who do not provide a voice mail message of their own answered my hopeless call, "At the tone please leave a message for ***-***-****".

I hate that woman.

Needless to say I simply hung up the phone and went about my business.

This morning though was quite another story. As I was getting ready for work the radio was tuned into the local country station providing just the right soundtrack for heartbreak. A sad song of missing one who has crossed over came on and I looked over at the picture of my mother on my nightstand. That was when the plug was finally yanked from the floodgates of my heart and my tears began to flow like an overflowing river. I cried bitter tears, similar tears if not the same that I cried when she first left. Tears that I began to think would not ever stop. My daughter finally came in and asked what happened. I was leaning over the bed sobbing and I tried to compose myself. I spoke to myself sternly saying, "I have got to get to work after all, I have things to do. There was no time to mourn now." I calmed myself and stammered my explanation to my daughter and assured her I would be fine.


On the way to work, I offered to do a coffee run. On route I began to feel all the loneliness of an orphaned child. All my feeling of having lost two mothers, one at the age of 5 months and one at the age of 41, the feelings of loneliness and disconnectedness within my religious community, and the loneliness of living one hour from my sisters. All the loneliness that exists even in my mind where I am caught in my perceived uniqueness. And the intensity and hollowness of the loneliness of no longer being a Believer.

"Where the HELL is G-d in all of this?!" I scream to myself.

I decided two years ago I was done with G-d. Done with him and his anger, done with the hate and confusion, done with his judgment and punishment, done with his lack of voice. Done!

Of late I have searched for G-ddess. I need a mother so badly. So I screamed at the G-d I no longer want anything to do with and cried out to G-ddess. "Are YOU there?? Can YOU hear me?? Do YOU love me??" I cried out to her, pulled into a parking spot and wept some more.

"Please reveal yourself to me!"

I feel very much like a lost child sometimes and today is one of those days to say the least. As much as I want to live the life of an atheist, albeit orthopraxic in my Judaism, the best I can do is be agnostic. I don't know if any deity exists out there, but I want to believe. But the one who I want and choose to believe in is Her, G-ddess and Mother of All. G-d has gone the way of my father, a being who never really was there and when he was, he was nothing but abusive and cruel. A being who I could never please and could never love me back. Someone who demanded perfection and was sure to mete punishment swift and harsh when perfection was surely unattained.

G-ddess, on the other hand, I believe is like my mother. She loved me in spite and because of myself. She allowed me the freedom to do and pursue my paths, even if she disagreed with me. She warned me of danger but knew I would ultimately make my own decision. She expected me to be and do my best, to act like a grown up and she did not baby me. Don't misunderstand, when compassion and understanding were needed, it was there, but not an infantile coddling. No, more of an "I hear you baby, but you can do this."

Most importantly, through it all, she loved me.

She loved me, even though I did not have the privilege of abiding nine months in her womb and passing through her birth canal. She loved me enough to fight for me. She loved me enough to take me with her when we escaped from my father. She loved me enough to make me officially hers in a court of law. She loved me even though I made the most asinine choices in my 20's and 30's. She loved me enough to tell me she sometimes felt as though she failed as a mother. I held her and said, "No way Mommy! Just the opposite! You were the absolute best mother ever!"

This love, this affection, this devotion, this is my G-ddess.

My hope is in Her. My faith and devotion is to Her. And my prayer, my prayer is to Her as I anxiously wait for Her to answer the phone.


Today is Just One of Those Days...

When the lyrics of a song can fully express how you feel. When all I want to do is get into this car, a dream car of a fastback Mustang, and drive as far away as possible. When all I can think of is running away...

~By Love and Theft

It's been a long week, I've got a slow leak in my left front tire.
I'm sick of where I work, my boss is such a jerk, don't care if I get fired.
My backs about to break, no money in the bank, and she don't call me anymore.
I'm down to my last ring, it's time to sell my things,

And pack my bags, and never look back, run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, and make my get away.
I put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleepin' in this sleepy town tonight, and at the break of day, I'll be a runaway!

A hundred miles in, I got a stupid grin on my scruffy face.
With every cigarette, I'm burning my regrets.
Don't want to leave a trace.
And from the rear-view, I've got clear view of who I used to be.
A little bit faster now, don't wanna turn around.

I'm gonna pack my bags, and never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, and make my get away.
I put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleepin' in this sleepy town tonight.
And at the break of day, I'll be a runaway! I'll be a runaway!
I'll be a runaway, I'll be a runaway!

It's crazy, I know, to count on this road and give me what I need.
But with every state line, somehow I find, another part of me.

I'm gonna pack my bags, and never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, and make my get away.
I put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleepin' in this sleepy town tonight, and at the break of day, I'll be a runaway! I'll be a runaway! I'll be a runaway!