Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Learning to Live

The strangest thing is learning to live since the latest shift in my Universe. My footing has not been all that sure. I seem to be sporadically attacked with nervous stomach, anxiety even. My motivation has retreated into a cave contained somewhere inside my heart. Fear seems to be holding it hostage, which I know I need to put a stop to, but then there's that problem with motivation.

Night time is the most difficult for me. Having to go to bed has always been a challenge for me ever since I was a child. Some strange and nameless fear would try to creep up on me and my thoughts would begin to race, the solutions to the days issues never seeming to come.

But it is also a time a prayer for me. Even it is to just meditate on one of the sefira cards a friend created, or a simple call of my soul, "Please help me, please heal me."

I am pleased to say I am attempting to get myself to bed by a decent time every night whether I want to or not. The meditation card seems to help and I know how very important it is to get to sleep. I know I am the only one who can care for me and nurture me now, so I am trying to learn to care for myself again.

Morning has always been the best time of the day for me. I awaken to the chatter of the birds every morning. Sometimes to the titter of the sparrows and finches, sometimes to the sweet sad song of the Mourning Dove and sometimes to the call of my friends the crows. Their songs and hurried conversations are a great comfort to me. I tend to their feeders being sure to have them full with tasty morsels and they thank me by staying close to my home in the city and singing to me. I think it is more than a fair exchange.

My plants have also been more than occasionally able to work their magick and healing on me. I care for my garden and although it is quite small, I have planted more than plants there. I must have, because I always seem to feel peace when I am in the dirt. I sit with my herbs simply looking at them, touching them. Yarrow has been particularly kind to me whispering words I do not yet understand but that allow me the luxury of tears and the dirges to flow from my heart.

I know somehow, I will climb from this mire.

Someday I will emerge the Warrior.

Someday I will set my motivation free.

The morning reminds me of this.

"In the evening one lies down weeping, but with dawn--- a cry of joy!" Tehillim/Psalms 30:6b