Sunday, December 12, 2010

Holes

When my mother passed away, many kind friends, family and folks in general tried to comfort me with their words. Words like "G-d doesn't give you more than you can handle.", were highly unsuccessful (simply because I think that is a crock of horse manure) and others I took for their well meaning compassion. There was one friend though, who like me was left motherless entirely too young, and who shared words that gave me great comfort. She told me that at least our mothers meant so much to us that they left such a gaping hole in our lives. Many times I think on these words and I feel their full impact, like right now. It occurred to me the other day while I was talking to my daughter and the tears began to fall, most unwillingly I assure you, that my issue is one of blessing.


Yes, I think I am having such a hard time because I am a very blessed woman. I have had the blessing of home schooling my children and had the privilege of working with my daughter. I have the distinct blessing of having a very good son who came to see me with his lady every Tuesday for dinner.


But now, well now, all that has changed.


There are gaping holes where those times and spaces were. I suppose I am so sad because I was so blessed and no longer have those particular blessings in my life. I still have a wonderful daughter and a very good son, I just don't have them in those same situations. I know I did not take it for granted, so I am grateful for that, but there are certainly some big holes in my heart right now. I know with time I will get through it, recreate time and such. It's just my days and times were marked with their presence and now it's different. Just different because thankfully there is skype, texting, email etc.


On top of all that, there are other familial issues that I am not sure yet how they will work out. :::sigh:::


I know the answer is maintaining a grateful heart and learning to adjust to life as it is now and not dwelling on life as it was. I am just taking each day as it comes but today's rain is NOT going to help.


Thank all that is Holy that I am dancing at a benefit today.


Sunday, December 5, 2010

Dark Moon, Dark Me

Funny, how I just turn to this blog when I am feeling low. I have another blog, more my rising sign blog, the face I put on for everyone else blog. This is more my moon sign blog, my down and dirty, feeling blue don't really give a $^% blog. Don't know if anyone reads it, guess I don't figure that is the point anymore, although if you do, I will tell you I appreciate it. Really, it is nice to know there are a few who will climb in the pit with you.


Anyway, today is not so much a 'Pit Post' it is more of a ramble post. Just talking about some observations I am making about my life and myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Black cats are really funny and highly mischievous.
I seriously love my dog, although I do not like to walk him.
I get really lonely in a crowd of people.
I miss my children's childhood.
I fight fear, daily.
I do not enjoy going to sleep at night.
Twilight is my WORST time of the day.
I love who my adult children are, but sometimes struggle with the newness of it all.
I think I stress more about their relationships than they do.
I love so deeply.
I hurt so deeply.
I have a seemingly endless supply of tears.
I still miss my mother, and as my children get older I seem to NEED her more.
I like being a teacher because I love children, I just don't want to work at a school.
I think I am an anarchist by nature.
I like being an Orthodox Jew...most of the time.
I struggle to believe in Magic(k) and just want too because I think I will become a highly depressed person if I don't.
I realize that the last three statements make me some kind of paradoxical anomaly...or just really confused.
I enjoy talking to my family, animals, plants, children, the Universe, and adults... in that order.
I really do not like feeling sad. I think there was a time in my life that I did, but I am no fan of depression at all these days.
I think I am depressed.
I started wearing makeup to cheer me up. It's an entertaining diversion for now. Besides who wants to cry when you are wearing mascara?
I don't enjoy endings and goodbyes.
Twitter and this blog are my screams into the void.