On My Porch Swing

New Year's Eve and Recommitment

2011-01-02T12:39:00.000-08:00

New Year's eve was ever so quiet this year. This is not normally how I like to bring in the secular new year, but since it fell out on Shabbat I chose to honor that above the entrance of 2011.

It turned out to be an okay beginning. After a simple fish and vegetable dinner, I cuddled up with a couple of magazines and a new Charles deLint book, Medicine Road. I have found I am quite a fan of Urban Fantasy and Charles deLint has become my favorite author. Sleep tried to take me in but I was at least eager to great 2011 so I managed to stay up. This year seemed noisier that most because when the clock finally struck 12:00 AM, a cacophony of clanging pans, firecrackers and fireworks ensued. I greeted my next door neighbors and simply stood in my doorway taking in all the delightful pops, cracks and clangs! I had to smile as it reminded me of my childhood and New Year's eves I remember with my mother. She was a huge fan of pot clanging and so, I am too.

As my looked into the dark night I also whispered prayers for my children and family. For friends near and far and even for myself. New Year, new beginning. Always.

It is what it is all about after all. The date is after just a point in time, and we surely have many of those points in time. There are many new years, at least in Judaism there are four. Along with that we have each month, rosh chodesh where we can begin again. Then there is each week, each day, in fact every hour or minute we can being again.

So, since I like this idea of the New Year, clean slate and new beginnings, I've decided to best use it and recommit to myself. I chose to be true to myself, my beliefs, my creativity, my music and my art.

I found this poem entitled "To be a Witch" by an anonymous author. I decided to personalize it for myself.

To be me is to be loved and to love.

To be me is to know everything and nothing at all.

To be me is to move amongst the stars while staying on earth.

To be me is to change the world around me and myself.

To be me is to share and give while receiving all the while.

To be me is to dance and since and hold hands with the Universe.

To be me is to honor the Divine and myself.

To be me is to Be Magick and not just perform it.

To be me is to be honorable or nothing at all.
To be me is to accept others who are different.

To be me is to know what I feel is right and good.

To be me is to harm none.

To be me is to know and honor the ways of old.

To be me is to see beyond the barriers.

To be me is to follow the moon.

To be me is to be one with the Divine.

To be me is to study and to learn.

To be me is to be the teacher and the student.

To be me is to acknowledge the truth.

To be me is to live with the earth and it's seasons and not just on it.
To be me is to be truly free!!

http://www.lacychenault.com/violet.htm

Holes

2010-12-12T05:10:00.000-08:00

When my mother passed away, many kind friends, family and folks in general tried to comfort me with their words. Words like "G-d doesn't give you more than you can handle.", were highly unsuccessful (simply because I think that is a crock of horse manure) and others I took for their well meaning compassion. There was one friend though, who like me was left motherless entirely too young, and who shared words that gave me great comfort. She told me that at least our mothers meant so much to us that they left such a gaping hole in our lives. Many times I think on these words and I feel their full impact, like right now. It occurred to me the other day while I was talking to my daughter and the tears began to fall, most unwillingly I assure you, that my issue is one of blessing.

Yes, I think I am having such a hard time because I am a very blessed woman. I have had the blessing of home schooling my children and had the privilege of working with my daughter. I have the distinct blessing of having a very good son who came to see me with his lady every Tuesday for dinner.

But now, well now, all that has changed.

There are gaping holes where those times and spaces were. I suppose I am so sad because I was so blessed and no longer have those particular blessings in my life. I still have a wonderful daughter and a very good son, I just don't have them in those same situations. I know I did not take it for granted, so I am grateful for that, but there are certainly some big holes in my heart right now. I know with time I will get through it, recreate time and such. It's just my days and times were marked with their presence and now it's different. Just different because thankfully there is skype, texting, email etc.

On top of all that, there are other familial issues that I am not sure yet how they will work out. :::sigh:::

I know the answer is maintaining a grateful heart and learning to adjust to life as it is now and not dwelling on life as it was. I am just taking each day as it comes but today's rain is NOT going to help.

Thank all that is Holy that I am dancing at a benefit today.

Dark Moon, Dark Me

2010-12-05T04:57:00.001-08:00

Funny, how I just turn to this blog when I am feeling low. I have another blog, more my rising sign blog, the face I put on for everyone else blog. This is more my moon sign blog, my down and dirty, feeling blue don't really give a $^% blog. Don't know if anyone reads it, guess I don't figure that is the point anymore, although if you do, I will tell you I appreciate it. Really, it is nice to know there are a few who will climb in the pit with you.

Anyway, today is not so much a 'Pit Post' it is more of a ramble post. Just talking about some observations I am making about my life and myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Black cats are really funny and highly mischievous.

I seriously love my dog, although I do not like to walk him.

I get really lonely in a crowd of people.

I miss my children's childhood.

I fight fear, daily.

I do not enjoy going to sleep at night.

Twilight is my WORST time of the day.

I love who my adult children are, but sometimes struggle with the newness of it all.

I think I stress more about their relationships than they do.

I love so deeply.

I hurt so deeply.

I have a seemingly endless supply of tears.

I still miss my mother, and as my children get older I seem to NEED her more.

I like being a teacher because I love children, I just don't want to work at a school.

I think I am an anarchist by nature.

I like being an Orthodox Jew...most of the time.

I struggle to believe in Magic(k) and just want too because I think I will become a highly depressed person if I don't.

I realize that the last three statements make me some kind of paradoxical anomaly...or just really confused.

I enjoy talking to my family, animals, plants, children, the Universe, and adults... in that order.

I really do not like feeling sad. I think there was a time in my life that I did, but I am no fan of depression at all these days.

I think I am depressed.

I started wearing makeup to cheer me up. It's an entertaining diversion for now. Besides who wants to cry when you are wearing mascara?

I don't enjoy endings and goodbyes.

Twitter and this blog are my screams into the void.

Happy Father's Day...

2010-06-20T05:42:00.000-07:00

"Though my father...has forsaken me, Hashem will gather me in." Psalm 27:10

Some Thoughts on Dream Interpretation

2010-06-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

I wanted to write a bit about dream interpretation. I am not a big believer in "Dream Meaning Books". For me the only thing they are useful for are really when it comes to archetypes or generic meanings. But most often dreams are not generic and they are your subconscious or higher self or even the Divine speaking to you. Therefore the language will more than likely be uniquely yours. Therefore a book that has some general meaning like "If you dream of a baby it is referring to your infant self" may not necessarily reflect the best meaning of a baby to YOU in YOUR dream. Perhaps it means some new event is coming or you are wanting to start a new path in your life. Perhaps it is a representation of your goals or aspirations. Only you really know. Try to examine your dreams and look at the symbols and what they mean to you personally. This is the best way, I think to interpret dreams.

Also, when asking for another person's insight, be sure what is said rings true with you. In other words you don't have to but whatever the interpreter is saying regardless of their expertise, or even lack thereof. I always tell folks, after I have interpreted their dreams, that the validity of my interpretation is based and is only as strong as the truth that rings with them. If it does not resonate then the interpretation is not correct.

In Judaism, there is this thought that you should pay a dream interpreter. This is based on this passage in the Talmud that states: "Berachot 56a is part of a large sugia on dream interpretation where Rava [her husband] and Abbaye [his friend] consult a professional dream interpreter. The two men describe identical dreams, but Abbaye pays the interpreter and receives good predictions while Rava doesn't pay and gets bad ones. Among Rava's bad news: he will divorce two wives, his sons and daughters will die, and his wife will die. Rava clearly believes these predictions and gets quite upset at the thought of Rav Hisda's daughter dying."

I am not exactly sure what my stance regarding this. It would seem that this is speaking more of untrustworthy interpreters and how their interpretations may effect the dreamer. In other words, if you pay, you will get something positive and if not, well, you're screwed. Although, I am a big believer in the exchange of energy, be in financially or other means, that said, NEVER believe anyone who interprets your dream in a negative way or demands money to interpret is positively.

Dreams, like our magic(k)al workings are either neutral or for the good. They are never bad. Even nightmares can be interpreted for the good if the language is understood properly. Accept only positive interpretations and only trust people whose energies run in this direction. You do not need any one speaking negativity or wrong intent into your life.

Without a Dreamer by Duster Amaranth

Learning to Live

2010-06-08T03:09:00.000-07:00

The strangest thing is learning to live since the latest shift in my Universe. My footing has not been all that sure. I seem to be sporadically attacked with nervous stomach, anxiety even. My motivation has retreated into a cave contained somewhere inside my heart. Fear seems to be holding it hostage, which I know I need to put a stop to, but then there's that problem with motivation.

Night time is the most difficult for me. Having to go to bed has always been a challenge for me ever since I was a child. Some strange and nameless fear would try to creep up on me and my thoughts would begin to race, the solutions to the days issues never seeming to come.

But it is also a time a prayer for me. Even it is to just meditate on one of the sefira cards a friend created, or a simple call of my soul, "Please help me, please heal me."

I am pleased to say I am attempting to get myself to bed by a decent time every night whether I want to or not. The meditation card seems to help and I know how very important it is to get to sleep. I know I am the only one who can care for me and nurture me now, so I am trying to learn to care for myself again.

Morning has always been the best time of the day for me. I awaken to the chatter of the birds every morning. Sometimes to the titter of the sparrows and finches, sometimes to the sweet sad song of the Mourning Dove and sometimes to the call of my friends the crows. Their songs and hurried conversations are a great comfort to me. I tend to their feeders being sure to have them full with tasty morsels and they thank me by staying close to my home in the city and singing to me. I think it is more than a fair exchange.

My plants have also been more than occasionally able to work their magick and healing on me. I care for my garden and although it is quite small, I have planted more than plants there. I must have, because I always seem to feel peace when I am in the dirt. I sit with my herbs simply looking at them, touching them. Yarrow has been particularly kind to me whispering words I do not yet understand but that allow me the luxury of tears and the dirges to flow from my heart.

I know somehow, I will climb from this mire.

Someday I will emerge the Warrior.

Someday I will set my motivation free.

The morning reminds me of this.

"In the evening one lies down weeping, but with dawn--- a cry of joy!" Tehillim/Psalms 30:6b

And so the Quest Begins

2010-06-01T14:00:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a strange dream that disturbed me a bit. I am not clear on all the details which is fairly unusual for me, but the dream was such that I felt it may be a bit 'prophetic' if you will.

I dreamt I was on a quest, searching either for a goddess or on behalf of one, it was not clear to me when I awoke. On my quest I was alone and I knew I would find her in this area that was covered in lava, even hellish. When I arrived at the place where I thought I was to be I realized it was not hot at all. I looked down and picked up a piece of wood. It was charred and ashy, and showed obvious signs that the area had once been a huge inferno.

I felt somewhat relieved and thought to myself I will find what I am searching for here. Just then I heard an approaching army. Nothing huge, but soldiers on horses nonetheless. I realized they were searching for what I was looking for too, I believe they were going to try to either beat me to it or take it from me. I looked behind me and saw the field of fire, low fire, with lots of embers burning like coal. I had a choice to make, I could not face the army, they terrified me. I did not want to go into the fire, but I chose that way nonetheless.

It was then I woke up.

I had difficulty interpreting this dream. It left me with a hell will continue feeling. Sort of jumping from the fry pan into the fire.

I shared the dream with my daughters who assured me it was a good dream. They said I was making a choice, albeit hard. I laughed and said "Oh great, more hell!"

My youngest daughter then grasped me on both shoulders and said, "Mommy, maybe when you get there you will find that you are the goddess you are searching for."

...

Pebble in the Shoe

2010-05-30T07:57:00.000-07:00

I am definitely of the "Ignore/Shake it off and keep moving" belief when it comes to pain. I am in no way saying this is the wisest of ways to approach pain, I am simply stating this is my way. Today I received a metaphor to help me maybe rethink this approach. I went on a lovely early morning walk today and as I was walking a noticed a pebble somehow worked it's way into my shoe. I had already achieved my stride and had no intention of breaking it for a dumb little pebble, so on I went. It hurt a bit but I continued to ignore it. Finally, it shifted it's way around the shoe and I could no longer feel it. I thought to myself, "Is this what I do? Do I ignore my pain till somehow it works it's way somewhere into the depths of my heart, to be felt no more." I continued on my walk and meditated on this. I wondered at the reality of my pain and of pain in general. I thought about my ridiculously high pain threshold, proven in my ability to endure excruciating gall bladder pain and almost getting pancreatitis in the process, and how this almost killed me.

Why do I ignore pain? It doesn't make it go away, but it does allow me to keep moving...albeit a bit slower.

I just did not want to stop. Stopping is for wimps. Stopping is for whiners. Stopping is for people who aren't tough enough, cry babies, wooses, losers.

Stopping is for healing.

I realized my thoughts and all of a sudden from my heart came a wordless tune. Mournful and sad it flowed effortlessly from my mouth and I lifted my face to the sky. I noticed the pebble, as it now had worked it's way around in my shoe to the tender part of the arch of my foot. It hurt. This time...well, I kept on walking. I slowed down, continued singing and felt the pebble. It hurt. I felt the pain. I still did not remove it, but this time it was for a different purpose, to feel, not ignore. Very soon the pebble moved again, and I continued walking, thankful for the lesson and the metaphor.

When I arrived home, I slipped off my shoes looking to find the small pebble that had taught me my great lesson. I flipped the shoe, shook it a bit and found, nothing. It was gone. I realized a great lesson again. Allowing myself to feel the pain, acknowledging it, and slowing down seemed to allow the pebble to make it's way out. I also realized though that this will not always be the case. Sometimes I will simply need to stop what I am doing and take the damn pebble out of my shoe.

Taino Prayer to the Mother Goddess

2010-05-27T18:34:00.000-07:00

Taino Prayer to the Mother Goddess

by tainoray

Bibi Atabey - Mother Atabey

Atte itabo era - Mother of Waters

Coaiba Mamona - Heavenly Mother of the Moon

Aturo aya wakia Itiba Cahubaba - Sister of our Ancient Bleeding Mother

Acona wakia Arawaka - Hear our Sacred People

Yemao waka waili - Protect our Children

Wakia Yari - Our Precious Jewels

Busica Waka Ketauri - Give us Life

Inaru-Matum - Generous Woman

Busica wakia Ahia Hu De - Give us your Blessing

Tai Ku Buya Han Han - Good Spirit Yes

Nabori Daca - I am your servant

Han Han Katu - So Be It

Poem to the Moon

2010-05-27T04:37:00.000-07:00

Beautiful Moon, gazing down, are you as lonely as I feel?
Admired from afar, yet alone in the sky.
A lone light shining in the dark black night
Beautiful Moon gazing down, is that a smile that I see?
Offering me your light to guide my way
It seems to me you know my pain, and the true darkness of my night.
Beautiful Moon gazing down, is that comfort that I feel?
Pregnant and full with the Light of the Divine
A reflection of the sun, the hope that is somewhere shining so bright.

~~Solace Moonwalker

The Blessings of Lady Moon

2010-05-25T20:22:00.000-07:00

Well, as I suppose you can surmise from the precious entry, I am going through a painful time in my life, a very dark night of the soul indeed. There are big changes and shifts occurring and I am trying to handle them with as much grace and strength as possible. I am in desperate need of a good cry and of time in the land, not necessarily in that order. To give you an idea of how bad it is, I have neglected that which I love so dearly, my beloved plants, my art, and my studies. Little by little I am trying to keep my self from being swallowed up into the mire of despair. Strangely enough, what has happened would have to viewed as necessary and good, but even though it may be good, it is most painful. I have been writing throughout all of this, and have returned here to my blog to touch base, so to speak. I finally wrote to my beloved teacher, Kiva, who as always, is most loving and encouraging. She reminded me that this pain is part of my journey, the journey of a Medicine Woman.

Last night, I took my beloved black lab for a walk. I looked up for Lady Moon, and there she was, almost full. It was a very clear night and she was most beautiful in her silvery splendor. I became mesmerized for a moment and could not move. I perceived her smile and continued my walk. I paused and tried to remember a blessing from the siddur (Jewish prayerbook), and since I could not, I offered my own. Blessed are You... I thanked the Holy One for the blessing of the Moon, for the comfort she gave me.

I finally slept well last night and I still feel that comfort today. With all my feelings, I am increasingly aware of the blessing of peace and calm. This moment in time is most precious to me. I have a goal to go tend to my beloved plants, in my tending to them, they will tend to me.

Nothing to Say, Because it's a Rainy Day

2010-05-14T04:27:00.000-07:00

My heart has turned into a storm cloud
Swollen and gray with bitter tears
And any minute
the flash of my eyes will warn you!

FLASH! There it is!
CRACK! Start counting.

That's how many minutes you have to get the hell out of here before---

My tears
too late
Begin to fall
like rain

drip, drip, drip, drip

Pleadings and beggings, bargainings and "I'm sorrys"
and "You deserve better than this!"

FLASH! My eyes warn again!
CRACK! You better run

Because soon I won't be able to stop the deluge of tears that are falling from my eyes as the storm cloud of my heart rips open in two and is completely broken and drained.

Silence
after the storm
Everything is wet
And the sun has not come out

yet.

Beautiful Hand Fasting Dance

2010-05-12T13:48:00.000-07:00

I really like this dance, it is beautiful and a lovely way to celebrate a joining of two lives. The only thing I would change is I would like to see the dancers dance around the couple as a sign of joy and protection. What do you think?

While on a walk yesterday...

2010-03-10T04:22:00.000-08:00

PART 1

The children and I discovered these crocuses.

Tiny and joyous harbingers of the soon arrival of Spring! I asked them to really look at them, tell me the colors they saw, count the petals etc. Then we came across another variety. One of my students pointed out that this one was in the shape of the triangle. Oh my!

What a wonderful discovery, the triquetra here in the crocus. A symbol of The G-ddess, the Divine Feminine exhibited in this tiny flower. While snow still lies on the ground, She reminds me She is here. No matter how cold I may feel, how hallow, how alone, She is here. She sends us tiny reminders to encourage me, to light my way.

PART 2

Child one: How do you ask permission of the plants? They can't talk.

Me: Actually they do, you just have to be quiet enough to listen.

Child two: They always say yes!

Me: Well, I suppose in many ways, they do not have a choice. But as long as we are always respectful and ask, don't take too much and are trying to learn about them perhaps they don't mind.

PART 3
The hidden world, looking inside we find...

The beauty and...

the abundant fruits of who we truly are.

Retreat and Dance, Just a Ramble

2010-03-05T04:15:00.000-08:00

This weekend I will be away. This is always a challenge for me because being a hyper cancerian, I hate to leave home for overnight, in fact it sends me into a bit of anxiety but I am pushing myself and I am leaving this afternoon to a ladies retreat. It is a bit of a trick for me since I also keep shabbat so I had to work those issues out. I think I have most if not all the details done.
I will welcome the Shabbat Queen myself, lighting candles, singing to the angels and making kiddush on my own. I will then later join the group for the communal activities. At the end of shabbat I will make havdalah on my own, I imagine. I have a friend who will hopefully be staying with me at least part of the time, so if there are any lighting issues she will help me out.

I am looking forward to this retreat. In many ways, judging from my past few posts, I think I need it. ;-)

I am also going to be performing this Sunday with my troupe! This makes it two dancing Sundays in a row with several Sundays in April already booked up for dancing. We are planning to hold auditions for our troupe in May so hopefully we will be growing in numbers very soon.

Well, that's it for now. Off in search of more caffeine!

Asherah, Gold Fish, Snakes, and Trees

2010-03-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

This is an interesting dream I had this morning. It is very interesting particularly because I had a rather violent dream the day before. Any insight?

I dreamt I was at some kind of social function. You had to name a goddess to gain entrance. I was standing there and there was a lady who was trying to get in . I said "Asherah" as if I was willing her to say the name. She had a huge umbrella and she named some kind of supposed Ethiopian goddess. I said she made that up. (Not sure why that mattered to me in my dream) Then I wandered off (BTW I was dressed as me now) and found my youngest sister filling bubble bottles, the kind they use for
receptions, and measuring the amount of liquid in them on a scale. She was doing this because there were dead bugs floating on the top and gold fish swimming in the bottles. Her boyfriend asked me to help her and her went in to help her too. I was skimming the bottles of the bugs and noticing the gold fish swimming. I made a joke about how people might enjoy keeping the goldfish. Then one of the gold fish swam out of the bottle on some invisible stream. He was swimming in mid air. I caught him and was afraid he would not be able to breath in the open. But then after I put him back I realized he could not breathe in the bubble mixture. I took the bottle with the goldfish and when I looked in I discover two snakes, one baby cobra and one garter. I found myself in a pet shop with enormous tanks of fish and I put them in. I am not afraid of the snakes and they seem quite happy to be in the tanks. There
are so many fish that I cannot find the goldfish but they are not floating at the top and I assume they are safe.

I wander off and find that there are people getting ready to do some Israeli dancing. I am shy to join them but I sit to chat. They ask who and what I am. I tell them I am religious but I have some trouble believing. I tell them I love being Jewish and I keep everything. What does that mean? they ask me. I tell them shabbat etc. A man says to me, I do the same. I believe him although I note he does not have a kippah on. I try to tell them more, but they keep interrupting me, and talking about their things. All of a sudden someone starts to sing "Shema". It is quite lovely and although I think to myself, they probably should not use Hashem's name like that, I don't say anything because I think they are like children and there love is real. They start to dance and my dance teacher is there. She is supposes to help, but she tells me she is afraid to introduce herself because she may want to shake hands with Gavriel her contact person. I tell her not to worry, Gavriel is not
like that and will shake her hand. I offer to go with her. I need to go to the restroom, but I go with her to offer support. As we walk over my assistant from work shows up and starts chanting, "we cut your tree down, we cut big ugly tree down." and I see that they are about to dance around the remnants of a stump of a huge tree. It is interesting that they left the very bottom of the stump and the floor was built all around it. I get very serious and look at her with dark eyes, but
without confidence, and I say, "I do not need that tree to work my magick" Then I see a HUGE and very OLD, I think Olive tree right outside the door, "I do not need your tree to work my Witch Craft, I can use that tree" and I point to the old tree and I wake up.

The Phone Call That Won't Get Answered

2010-03-03T13:13:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was looking through my phone contact list. Scrolling down through each letter I got to "M"...M for Mom. There I saw my Mother's phone number, both home and cell. My mother has been passed away now for almost two years this April. Two years since I have heard from her and two years since I called. I saw her cell number there and, don't asked me what possessed me, I called. What did I think would happen? Perhaps I was thinking that one of my reoccurring dreams, the ones where my mother calls me, would come true. Maybe, maybe I thought she would answer or at the very least, I would hear her voice on the voice mail. Don't know, guess I just wasn't thinking. The phone rang and rang and then finally that woman, that same woman whose voice fills in for all the people who do not provide a voice mail message of their own answered my hopeless call, "At the tone please leave a message for ***-***-****".

I hate that woman.

Needless to say I simply hung up the phone and went about my business.

This morning though was quite another story. As I was getting ready for work the radio was tuned into the local country station providing just the right soundtrack for heartbreak. A sad song of missing one who has crossed over came on and I looked over at the picture of my mother on my nightstand. That was when the plug was finally yanked from the floodgates of my heart and my tears began to flow like an overflowing river. I cried bitter tears, similar tears if not the same that I cried when she first left. Tears that I began to think would not ever stop. My daughter finally came in and asked what happened. I was leaning over the bed sobbing and I tried to compose myself. I spoke to myself sternly saying, "I have got to get to work after all, I have things to do. There was no time to mourn now." I calmed myself and stammered my explanation to my daughter and assured her I would be fine.

Fine??

On the way to work, I offered to do a coffee run. On route I began to feel all the loneliness of an orphaned child. All my feeling of having lost two mothers, one at the age of 5 months and one at the age of 41, the feelings of loneliness and disconnectedness within my religious community, and the loneliness of living one hour from my sisters. All the loneliness that exists even in my mind where I am caught in my perceived uniqueness. And the intensity and hollowness of the loneliness of no longer being a Believer.

"Where the HELL is G-d in all of this?!" I scream to myself.

I decided two years ago I was done with G-d. Done with him and his anger, done with the hate and confusion, done with his judgment and punishment, done with his lack of voice. Done!

Of late I have searched for G-ddess. I need a mother so badly. So I screamed at the G-d I no longer want anything to do with and cried out to G-ddess. "Are YOU there?? Can YOU hear me?? Do YOU love me??" I cried out to her, pulled into a parking spot and wept some more.

"Please reveal yourself to me!"

I feel very much like a lost child sometimes and today is one of those days to say the least. As much as I want to live the life of an atheist, albeit orthopraxic in my Judaism, the best I can do is be agnostic. I don't know if any deity exists out there, but I want to believe. But the one who I want and choose to believe in is Her, G-ddess and Mother of All. G-d has gone the way of my father, a being who never really was there and when he was, he was nothing but abusive and cruel. A being who I could never please and could never love me back. Someone who demanded perfection and was sure to mete punishment swift and harsh when perfection was surely unattained.

G-ddess, on the other hand, I believe is like my mother. She loved me in spite and because of myself. She allowed me the freedom to do and pursue my paths, even if she disagreed with me. She warned me of danger but knew I would ultimately make my own decision. She expected me to be and do my best, to act like a grown up and she did not baby me. Don't misunderstand, when compassion and understanding were needed, it was there, but not an infantile coddling. No, more of an "I hear you baby, but you can do this."

Most importantly, through it all, she loved me.

She loved me, even though I did not have the privilege of abiding nine months in her womb and passing through her birth canal. She loved me enough to fight for me. She loved me enough to take me with her when we escaped from my father. She loved me enough to make me officially hers in a court of law. She loved me even though I made the most asinine choices in my 20's and 30's. She loved me enough to tell me she sometimes felt as though she failed as a mother. I held her and said, "No way Mommy! Just the opposite! You were the absolute best mother ever!"

This love, this affection, this devotion, this is my G-ddess.

My hope is in Her. My faith and devotion is to Her. And my prayer, my prayer is to Her as I anxiously wait for Her to answer the phone.

:::ring:::

Today is Just One of Those Days...

2010-03-03T09:50:00.000-08:00

When the lyrics of a song can fully express how you feel. When all I want to do is get into this car, a dream car of a fastback Mustang, and drive as far away as possible. When all I can think of is running away...

Runaway
~By Love and Theft

It's been a long week, I've got a slow leak in my left front tire.
I'm sick of where I work, my boss is such a jerk, don't care if I get fired.
My backs about to break, no money in the bank, and she don't call me anymore.
I'm down to my last ring, it's time to sell my things,

CHORUS:
And pack my bags, and never look back, run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, and make my get away.
I put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleepin' in this sleepy town tonight, and at the break of day, I'll be a runaway!

A hundred miles in, I got a stupid grin on my scruffy face.
With every cigarette, I'm burning my regrets.
Don't want to leave a trace.
And from the rear-view, I've got clear view of who I used to be.
A little bit faster now, don't wanna turn around.

I'm gonna pack my bags, and never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, and make my get away.
I put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleepin' in this sleepy town tonight.
And at the break of day, I'll be a runaway! I'll be a runaway!
I'll be a runaway, I'll be a runaway!

It's crazy, I know, to count on this road and give me what I need.
But with every state line, somehow I find, another part of me.
Yeah-e-yeah!

I'm gonna pack my bags, and never look back.
Run a parallel line with the railroad tracks, and make my get away.
I put the pedal to the metal as the sun goes down.
Leave everybody sleepin' in this sleepy town tonight, and at the break of day, I'll be a runaway! I'll be a runaway! I'll be a runaway!

Malkuth HaShamayim

2010-02-25T04:53:00.001-08:00

Here is a video I found that gives some food for thought regarding the Divine Feminine. This link will take to you to the video and written verses regarding the Hebrew G-ddess. I have to tell you, I find this all very inspiring and hopeful.

An Open Letter to Hades

2010-02-24T04:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Hades,

It has come to our attention that you may be retaining Persephone longer than usual this year and we feel it is time to send her home now. Her mother is missing her very much and although we appreciate the long and wonderful rest the Earth has received this year, she is snoring quite loudly right now and we don't want the Earth to hit the snooze button again.

Sincerely,
Solace Moonwalker

A Reminder...

2010-02-17T04:10:00.000-08:00

Diving into life headlong, I ignore the Fear the tugs at my soul.
Remembering the Truth of who I am, I continue to move forward,
Embracing each moment, each sensation, each joy and each pain.
Authenticity and awareness are the flowers that I cultivate as I
Move passionately to the music of the Universe within my own heart.

By:Solace Moonwalker

Pussy Willow Dream

2010-02-14T05:14:00.000-08:00

So this morning I woke up to seeing a pussy willow branch in my dreams! How exciting that was for me!!! I am seeing this as symbolizing powerful new beginnings, especially since we are in the Dark New Moon! The buds were plump, full and soft but not fully bloomed and fuzzy. They were so beautiful! I did some research on line and found very little about pussy willows symbolism. On a practical level pussy willows are THE harbinger of spring blooming even before the crocuses peep through the snow. Pussy willows as a flower language represent motherhood. They also represent prosperity to the Chinese. The willow, sacred to Hecate, became the pussy willow. I found the information below also online (click the link to go to the source found on Gaia.com) .

The associations are VERY interesting to me. Several of which that I find significant are that I am a Moonchild, whose birthstone is moon stone. My animals are Hawk and Owl (Owl just recently coming to me in a dream.) and the Goddesses associated with, in particular Persephone, Luna and Brigit.

We have had a particularly hard winter this year so lately I have been thinking a lot about Persephone's story lately. If you are not familiar with her story here it is:

Hades captured Persephone and brought her to the Underworld. Demeter, the Earth goddess was devestaed and perpetual winter fell upon the planet. Finally Zeus ruled that Hades had to set Persephone free, however not before he tricked her into eating six pomegrate seeds. It was a rule of the Fates that whoever consumed food or drink in the Underworld was doomed to spend eternity there. It was decided that Persephone would only spend part of her time as Queen of the Underworld, one month per seed. When Demeter and her daughter were reunited, spring and new life returned to the Earth. When they were separated, the Earth was cold and dissolute.

We just passed the time of Imbolc, which is associated with the goddess Brigit. I actually knew nothing of her story and so did a little reading up on her this past Imbolc. ( I like to be respectful and a least a bit knowledgeable of the Wiccan Wheel of the Year, considering a family member and many of my good friends are Wiccan. Not to worry they return the favor. °Ü°) Well, to my surprise I found a sweet connection to the lovely and powerful Flame Keeper. I lit a candle in honor of her story and meditated about being a flame keeper myself. As she is also a goddess of creativity, particularly poetry, healing and fertility I meditated on my own personal creativity and healing and being a healer. She is also associated with spring and her element is fire.

Hecate is also worthy of mention on my thoughts since she too is associated with the pussy willow. Born of Gaia she is the goddess of the crossroads. I find it interesting that it is said of this goddess, "she is more at home on the fringe then in the center of Greek Polytheism." She has been associated with childbirth, nurturing the young, gates and walls, doorways, crossroads, magic, lunar lore, torches and dogs. Considering much of my income is earned from jobs that have to do with some of the aforementioned topics all this seems quite significant.

This dream, that has had me excited from the moment I opened my eyes, that I have spent so much time looking into, I believe is just more confirmation that I am going in the right direction, and I am beginning to live my dreams!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Willow

Willows which by water stand
Ease us to the Summerland.

Salix alba

Tree of Enchantment, Tree of Witcheries
Fifth month of the Celtic Tree calendar,
April 15th - May 12th
Fifth consonant of the Ogham alphabet - Saille

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

There once was a Willow, and he was very old,
And all his leaves fell off from him, and left him in the cold;
But ere the rude winter could buffet him with snow,
There grew upon his hoary head a crop of mistletoe.
All wrinkled and furrowed was this old Willow's skin,
His taper finger trembled, and his arms were very thin;
Two round eyes and hollow, that stared but did not see;
And sprawling feet that never walked, had this most ancient tree.
~Julianna Horatia Ewing, "The Willow Man"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Planet: Moon
Element: Water
Symbolism: Resonance and Harmony
Stone: Moonstone
Birds: Hawk, Snowy Owl
Color: Silver
Deity: Persephone, Hecate, Cerridwen,
Artemis, Selene, Luna, Diana, Brigit
Sabbat: Beltane

Folk names: Osier, Pussy Willow, Saille, Salicyn Willow, Saugh Tree, White Willow, Witches Aspirin, Withe, Withy

Medicinal properties:
Willow bark contains salicin, or Salicylic acid, used to make aspirin. Infusions from the bark have long been used as a remedy for cholls, rheumatism, and fevers. Willow sap applied to the skin can remedy acne, and a strong decoction of boiling the bark and leaves in water can be rubbed into the scalp for dandruff.

Magickal properties:
New Moon magick, creativity, fertility, female rights of passage, inspiration, emotion, binding. Love, Love divination, protection, healing. Willow is also known as the tree of immortality because of its ability to re grow from a fallen branch in moist ground. A wand made from Willow wood has many uses: sleep with it and have more vivid dreams, use it to draw down the moon, protection for underworld journeying. Magickal Brooms, witch's brooms are traditionally bound with a willow's branch.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I am a willow of the wilderness,
Loving the wind that bent me."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

And now entering the ring...Discouragement!

2010-02-07T14:15:00.000-08:00

Many times I feel much like a boxer in the ring. Among my many opponents, one of the most persistent is Discouragement. Strange thing about him is he isn't such a strong adversary. What he lacks in strength he makes up for in determination and skill. No he is not so tough, he is just very quick and very keen on knowing my weak parts. Oh yeah, he knows them well. Many times I could very easily be winning the battle, taking him down, going blow for blow and just when I am sure the ten count is about to pronounce me the champion, zip, up he bounds to his feet and gives me the ole 1-2 in one of my sensitive spots. Most of the time it's my ego or some other thing that will send me into a tail spin of paralyzing self pity.

He did it to me today, just now. He hit me in my spot and there I went, right down on the mat. I lay there just stunned. Better for me not to get up, to just lay here. What's the use anyway?! I can't beat him. I'll never see my dreams fulfilled. It' all too much for me. I'll never live up to my true potential fulfilling my role and mission in life. What's the point.

"BULLSHIT!"

What's that??? Who said that??

"ME! ME, OVER HERE! GET UP OFF YER ASS AND FIGHT!!!"

I look over incredulously at the guy yelling at me. He looks like a biker dude that could easily kick my ass himself. He is flanked on either side by an older woman who is simply gazing in my direction and a little girl who looks a bit concerned but not worried.

I try to give him my reasons, er...excuses as to why I cannot get up, why I cannot fight. But the words will not come out. I look at the three of them and I regain my strength. I look inward to myself and I see the fire beginning to blaze again.

I realize now that is the key. Do not let the fire go out girl! Do not let the fire go out no matter what happens.

I get up, take a step forward and I prepare to fight.

:::DING DING DING:::: Round Two

Color posters for the TRADITIONS IN WESTERN HERBALISM CONFERENCE

2010-02-05T13:34:00.000-08:00

Please Download, Print & Share
THE NEW COLOR POSTERS

for the

TRADITIONS IN WESTERN HERBALISM CONFERENCE

Your help is kindly requested, sharing the new trifold brochures for the conference, and making time to put up some of the matching posters. TWHC CoDirector Jesse Wolf Hardin spent nearly 20 hours designing and creating them, with his logo framed by a selection of his and my medicinal plant portraits. The background earth-tones are from his photo of volcanic cliff-rock near the Animá Sanctuary, but was picked for its ability to evoke the earthen pastel tones of the beautiful hills surrounding the Ghost Ranch conference site.

Write us to request whatever number of brochures you can put to good use, ideally handed to herbal and health related business owners who may want to participate by sponsoring, vending or practicing there, or left in small piles in herbal stores that will agree to keep them out. We can send you the files if you would like to print them off yourself, though you would need to know how to print on both sides.

The color posters come in 2 sizes, large 11×17 ones that we hope you can get store owners and health practitioners to commit to keep up in their windows or on their counter fronts from now until the event next September. We will be selling these as art posters at the event, but will also be happy to give a signed copy as a gift to you along with however many copies for you to post in your region or on your travels. The smaller version is 8.5X11, and is available either by writing us, or by downloading and then printing the linked poster file.

Ideal places for posting the large and small posters are herb stores, natural health stores, natural food stores, health practitioner waiting rooms, herbal and healing school foyers, university student union buildings, university medicine and botany building bulletin boards, and culturally conscious cafes. Please don’t feel like you have to take on a load… if a goodly amount of you could commit to posting even 5 or 10 – and to checking back to make sure they stay up and aren’t covered over – that would be a huge contribution!

That so many people want to involve themselves and help, is essential to making this conference a success and to ensure their will be others in subsequent years. It is also satisfying in itself, the connection we feel in this alliance of purpose. Thank you dearly from us both.

Kiva Rose & Jesse Wolf Hardin
TWHC
Kiva(at)TraditionsInWesternHerbalism.org
www.TraditionsInWesternHerbalism.org

DOWNLOAD SMALL TWHC POSTER HERE

Traditions in Western Herbalism Conference

2010-02-05T13:30:00.000-08:00

Check out this video! This just looks too amazing!!

File Under: Couldn't Hurt to Ask

2010-02-01T14:37:00.000-08:00

So on my social networking adventures I came across this link.

Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM. (Astoria, NY)

WANTED:

One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for our daughter in 3rd grade and basic household security. Golem must be obedient and fairly unobtrusive on our every-day lives.

We will supply all materials needed (clay, twigs, calfskin parchment, etc) needed to create the Golem. All you need to do is use your magical ancient Rabbinic skills to animate said Golem!

Please note! We are looking for a Rabbi to create a Golem: an anthropomorphic being created from intimate matter from Jewish folk-lore, NOT Gollum: a former Hobbit turned into monster and looking for "precious". This is important! We have no interest in living with Gollum. We want a Golem. Please respond, serious inquiry only.

This is what they are interested in. A model of man, usually made of clay or mud, no soul, no brain, sort of like Frankenstein. Does the household work and cleans up and/or any other nefarious deeds one might need.

But most Golem stories go awry. Inevitably Golem turns on his creator and the end is less than the creator hoped for. For a modern rendition take a peek at the 'Sorcerer's Apprentice', Disney's adapted version where Mickey's broom golem goes physcho with the bucket.

And this little fellow...well, they are just not that into him.

Not a Golem. Way too emotional, obsessive, possessive and well, nasty.

Happy Tu b'shvat!

2010-01-29T04:19:00.002-08:00

Tu B'shvat is a wonderful holiday that is also known as the New Year for trees. On the Jewish Calender it occurs on the 15th day of the month of Shevat, under a beautiful full moon. During the times of the Temple, Tu B'shvat was also the new year for the purpose of calculating the age of trees for tithing.

I love this holiday that is celebrated with an awareness of the Plant Kingdom! Many have to the custom to eat new fruits and to have a celebratory seder much like Pesach/Passover. It is a magical time for children who are told that the trees dance the night of tu b'shvat and if they are lucky enough, they may even catch a glimpse!

I hope that we all can find that inner innocence within us and see the trees dancing tonight. This is my wish for all of you! I myself will be on the look out for dancing trees!!! Happy tu b'shvat to you all! Go hug a tree, love a tree, thank a tree, smile at a tree, and most of all dance with a tree!!

If not for the trees, human life could not exist. (Midrash Sifre to Deuteronomy 20:19)

Thoughts for Tu b'shvat

2010-01-29T04:19:00.001-08:00

The solstice has passed us and thankfully the days are beginning to grow longer but sometimes the sadness and darkness of our own soul lingers. Sometimes it is hard to appreciate these times and all we can feel is loneliness and a deep disconnection with ourselves and the Universe. But these seasons of our soul is a dark and sweet time, much like the winter season. It is a time that allows you to rest and to grow internally. A time to seek your own wisdom. It is also a time to stop looking for the Divine outside of ourselves. It is a time to seek and realize the Divine spark within us.

Many comfort themselves with the thought that the Divine does not leaves the and although this is true but that thought still gives us the picture that the Divine is somehow outside of us a passive onlooker, when the truth is the Divine also dwells inside of us. There is a part of your soul that is utterly connected with the Holy One on very high levels. The spark of the Divine is what keeps your heart beating and you soul longing. Allow your soul to look within yourself and realize how truly beautiful and amazing you are. Then there will be no need to be anywhere than where you are. You will content yourself with your path and continue growing knowing each step of the way you are perfect.

This is a perfect time for this. Tu b'shvat is the new year of the trees, the time when the sap rises in nourishment. We are compared to trees, so this is a time when the Divine rises up within us , nourishing us! You are called to be a wise woman, if this were not so, you would not agonize like this. Allow yourself your pain, your bitterness, your darkness and then grab life and run with it!

Here is a lovely article written by Rabbi Jill Hammer on tu b'shvat. Enjoy!

FYI: TRADITIONS IN WESTERN HERBALISM CONFERENCE

2010-01-28T14:34:00.000-08:00

Traditions in Western Herbalism Conference - Registration Open!

Announcing (please post and forward):

REGISTRATION NOW OPEN

for the Sept 17-19

TRADITIONS IN WESTERN HERBALISM CONFERENCE

Expanded to 3 Full Days of Classes!

Discount Early Sprout Registration: $250

The first 100 Registrants to request them (just email Kiva) will also receive the following bonus gifts:

Signed Limited Edition “Medicine Woman” color art print by Jesse Wolf Hardin ($35 value)
Foundational Elements in Traditional Western Herbalism Ebook by Kiva Rose ($15 value)

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER NOW

Featuring:

Rosemary Gladstar • Kiva Rose • Paul Bergner • Phyllis Hogan • Jesse Wolf Hardin • Matthew Wood • Jim McDonald • Howie Brounstein • Phyllis Light • Charles Garcia • Donna Chesner • CoreyPine Shane • Pam Hyde-Nakai • Darcey Blue French • Monica Rude • John Gallagher …and more!

Friday & Saturday Night Concerts

Two nights of deeply inspirited music and heart-welling celebration featuring

Arborea & R.I.S.E. (formerly Rising Appalachia)

Location

The TWHC takes place N.W. of Santa Fe, New Mexico at the enchanting Ghost Ranch, onetime home of artist Georgia O’Keefe and now a relaxed conference center surrounded by beautiful open spaces and sculptured crimson hills.

Classes & Schedule

There will be 3 FULL days of 30 or more in-depth classes Saturday and Sunday, presented by the 20 or so teachers, each 1.5 to 4 hours in length, including hands-on workshops and native plant walks. Specific conditions will be addressed, as well as energetics, diagnostics, preparations and formulas, cutting edge discoveries, ethics and spirituality, the role of the community healer, and plant and habitat conservation.

For more information go to the

Traditions in Western Herbalism Conference Website

REGISTER HERE NOW

Thank you for sharing this with others…

The Moon and I

2010-01-26T19:24:00.000-08:00

The Moon is black
and so am I.
Mysterious and hidden,
not really even there
shrouded by the darkness,
deep at rest.

The Moon is waxing
and so am I.
Slowly coming forward
timidly at first
Then growing brighter and brighter,
casting you a shadow even on the darkess of nights.

The Moon is full,
and so am I.
Shining so brightly
you admire her beauty and bask in her light,
for just a short while,
because gradually she will go away.

The Moon is waning
and so am I.
Slowly she starts to dim,
shyly shrinking back from too much light
gently receding into her rest.

Because she is not like the sun,
who unabashably shines at you,
allowing you to admire him.

You will never truly know her.
As she grows and recedes,
a reflection of the Greater light.
that shines from deep within.

The Moon is resting
and so am I.

Note: this is a poem I wrote back in June of 2007. It is a favorite of mine and I would say the most me poem I have ever written, I suppose you could call it my poetic signature.

The Medicine Woman I am meant to be

2010-01-26T04:09:00.000-08:00

I am struggling to work on my Medicine Woman course and it frustrates me that I am even struggling! Why should this be so damn difficult? But for me it is. Perhaps it is the utter honesty that I am demanding of myself. Perhaps it is the fact that it won't let me go even though I will neglect it for weeks at a time. I refuse to give up, I must complete this course, full knowing that I still will not have 'arrived' or learned it all. Strangely enough I am ok with that. The question asks me to envision the kind of archetypal Medicine Woman I believe I am meant to be...complete with appropriate garments, vestments, and animal and plant allies. You'd think I would have had that done lickety split, but I am really thinking about this and don't want some hokey or new age-y Medicine Woman appearing. Who am I? Who am I meant to be?

I see myself more often than not as the Crone, an older woman. I think this is part of my problem, because I do not see myself with the Wisdom now. I see her coming in the future and I think I need to see her as me NOW. Age does not necessarily beget wisdom and the truth is more often than not I don't feel much different than I did when I was a younger woman or even a child. So then with that in mind, I visualize myself as a strong woman, strong and wise, carrying within myself the Wisdom of the Grandmothers, the Wisdom of the Mothers/Immaot. I have a peaceful knowing smile ever on my face. Not of exuberance although that often happens as I find extreme joy in the smallest of things. My smile is of the peace and joy that I have learned by walking in harmony with the seasons and the earth, with people and animals, with the sun and the moon and the stars and the plants. It is a smile of a woman who has some to peace within herself. I know who I am and I understand my own power. I live my life authentically and I am wild and responsible.

My clothing is not much different than what I wear now, because I wear what I want even now. Mostly free flowing, comfortable and natural fibers. I use colors reflecting my mood or the energy I wish to tap into. My colors span the spectrum, but mostly they focus on the earth and the sea. I have very little black and a small amount of white. When I need an extra boost I have yellow, red and orange. Indian skirts and dresses, wide legged pants and many, many shawls. I have much jewelry and my favorite pieces and stones and beads. I suppose in many ways I try to express who I really am through my dress, because to don garments is easily done. To change costumes to suit the day or mood is done with little effort on my part. But to truly manifest that person and to embody this woman, who I truly am, on the inside, ah there is indeed the rub. The only things I would add to my garments a knife to gather my herbs and a large and a small medicine pouch to store my treasure and or carry my talismans in. I would also be armed with a wonderful basket at all times.

My animal allies are the crow who teaches me to be a walker between the worlds. The wolf who teaches me to be a mother and a teacher, who teaches me of loyalty and of community. The red tail hawk who teaches me to continue to look up for the messages and to trust my spirit. The beaver who teaches me to prepare, work and to persevere. I listen to the messages of the Canadian geese and the Monarch butterfly. I even have a protector dragon, black and young.

My plant allies are my beloved dandelion, who nourishes and flourishes everywhere she goes. Who survives no matter how many times she is tramples and torn from her home. She finds her home wherever she is and sends her seeds everywhere the wind blows. She teaches me to send my roots down and even if she is torn up, a piece of her remains. She feeds and heals from all parts of her, flowers to roots. Plantain who is common and who heals wounds, nettle who upon initial meeting, if you are not careful, may sting and burn but whose medicine is so very good and nourishing to all parts of the body. And finally lavender who needs a bit more care, and is gentle and unassuming. She teaches me to relax and be, so stretch tall and survive the cold winters. She also teaches me that to gain the full benefits and fragrance, I may need to be crushed now and again.

Setting Intentions for the New Month

2010-01-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

This past Shabbat/Saturday was the New Moon. This is always an auspicious time to start things. As the moon grows in beauty and power our intent set under the Dark Moon grows too. This past particular moon was very auspicious since the moon itself in in Aquarius. An Aquarius moon is a time a great rebellious energy. A time to break habits and to realize personal freedom and individuality. As of this morning at 1:17AM the moon has entered Pisces. During this time the focus is on dreaming, nostalgia, intuition and psychic impressions. This is a good time for spiritual and philanthropic endeavors.* (A good time to help out the People of Haiti)By this weekend the moon will have entered Taurus and be half way full. Under a Taurus Moon intentions have great sticking power and are hard to break. So this is a good week to start a habit and really focus on your intention(s).

Along with the New Moon we began the Hebrew month of Sh'vat. We are in the sign of D'li already, (the sun will be entering the sign of Aquarius at 11:28 tonight). D'li, which means bucket or pail, is associated with the tribe of Asher and Olives, the oil in particular. It is a strange combination this water and oil of the month. Nonetheless, this is a particularly auspicious time of learning and chiddushim (discovering new insight). It is said that all the "chiddushim that a person will develop in the course of a year will be presented to him from Heaven during this month of Sh'vat." The water of D'li is the learning that we do and the oil of Asher is the wisdom that we derive from that learning. It rises to the top!

New Moon and Setting Your Intention

2010-01-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

I truly delight in the New Moon! It is during this time of darkness I try to avail myself to quiet and invisibility. It is a time to set my intention for the new month ahead of me. New beginnings, rebirth, discovery are all themes and opportunities for the new month. This particular new moon is a very auspicious time because the Moon enters into Aquarius this afternoon (12:17pm). This make this an auspicious time to make changes and break habits. Personal freedom and individuality (rewilding?) is focus!The dark of the moon inspires me to quiet down and go deep within myself to rediscover me.

The Dark Moon is also a time of reflection and peace. It is a time of introspection and discovering that which is hidden. The moon in her darkness teaches us that even though she is not seen, she is present none the less. Many of us go through this time of 'invisibility'. A time where although we are present, we cannot be seen. This dear one, is not bad or negative. In fact it is quite magical and even desirable. It is a time where the only work to be done is that of resting. Resting is such an important and oft neglected component of our personal growth. The New Moon affords us a time in which we can begin to rebirth ourselves, just like the moon does.

The Moon also teaches us how to grow in moderation. She reveals to us the truth of her moderation by not reaching her fullness over night. Slowly over the course of a full fortnight she reaches the peak of her beauty. There is wisdom in setting our intention and adding to it little by little each day. She teaches us that there is no need to try and realize our intention too rapidly. In fact, she says,it is not even desirable to do so. Slowly realizing our intention is a more graceful and less discouraging way of being.

Song of a Soul

2010-01-12T15:00:00.000-08:00

My heart aches for you. It aches for your pain and it aches for your hurt. It aches for how lost and alone you feel. It aches because of the fear that motivates you into violent and/or non productive decisions. It aches because there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Nothing I guess except pray...pray?? And what of it?

What will prayer do to help? Speaking to a G-d or G-ddess that may or may not be there? Speaking to a Universe that may be alive with wonder or dead with silence. What will this prayer do to help you or me for that matter? What can I do? What should I do? What difference can I make?

All I know to be is a Light. A Light that shines through your Heart and beams through your eyes. A Light that reveals the darkness that lies within you and around you. A Light that calls you home. Home to yourself. Home to your dreams. Home to your wonder and your joy. Home even to your pain, allowing you the tears that you must needfully shed. Tears that will water the garden of your heart and bring forth the most fragrant of flowers. If only...

But if I shine my Light, will you see it? Will it draw you? Will it help to guide you through the rocky shoreline to a safe harbor? I suppose only you know the answer to that question. Only you know whether you will open your eyes? Only you know if you will follow the Light or steer away. Only you...

For what else can I do except be who I am? I am a Lighthouse on a hill. I stand alone. I shine my Light. A strong but lonely Sentinel.

Yes it's true, the windows are cracked from enduring many a storm and the tower is worn, in need of repair. But in spite of how worn I am, I still stand. And in spite of the cracks, the Light pours through, shining brightly--if only you'll look my way.

A Dream Name?

2009-12-10T14:58:00.000-08:00

As I was waking this morning, I was dreaming, or at least I was in a dream like state. Right before I opened my eyes, I saw the words "Solace Moonwalker", written just like that. It kind of looks like a name now that I read it. It was large and written on what looked like parchment paper, but not written in calligraphy. Perhaps typed, not sure about that detail. I am pretty good at interpreting dreams but have some difficulty with my own and this one has me stumped. I did try to look it up on the internet and all I could find were definitions.

Solace: n
1. Comfort in sorrow, misfortune, or distress; consolation.
2. A source of comfort or consolation.
tr.v. sol·aced, sol·ac·ing, sol·ac·es
1. To comfort, cheer, or console, as in trouble or sorrow.
2. To allay or assuage.

Moonwalk(er): n
A walk on the surface of the moon by an astronaut.
intr.v. moon·walked, moon·walk·ing, moon·walks
To walk on the surface of the moon.

I also found references to Michael Jackson and a 007 movie, but I am pretty sure there is no help in those. I was wondering if any of you folks could offer any insight or a direction to begin searching? It would be so appreciated.

Peace!

So....You're a Jew AND a Witch**???

2009-11-26T18:24:00.000-08:00

So often I come back to this blog and wonder why I have it. I have even considered taking it down, but I won't let myself. It is my magic(k)al blog and sometimes I do not feel so magical. I struggle more often than not to find my magic. But taking down this blog, that was birthed out of a deep pain and desperate need to express myself freely, without judgment, would be admitting defeat and perhaps even a death to my magic. Even though I may struggle with finding my own inner magic, it brings me so much joy (not to mention fun). To be quite honest, my magic is also what has prevented me from becoming an atheist. Magic has very much helped me keep what little faith (if any) that I had after the bombs of a year and a half ago went off.

But truth be told, being an orthodox Jew and a witch is no easy task. And yes, I am very much in the closet, only known to my family and wise women who enter my home and know, "Ah this is a witchy house!" ::One day a friend came to visit me and noticed a broom that I have hanging on the wall right as you enter my home, and said 'wow did you know that is a powerful G-ddess broom?' HA! I smiled and said, 'Really?' I did not mention that I was the one who made it. ::

Magic has a long history in Judaism, and yes, yes, I know all the verses about witchcraft in the TaNaKH/Bible. I also know about all the wonderful spells the rabbis and kabbalists in the past have done (still do?). The golem is our own Jewish Frankenstein. How about the verse in the gemara that tells you how to discover demons? This involves a not so kind treatment of a black cat. (Mine is very safe, I assure you, I have no interest whatsoever in seeing demons... ) Regardless, there is magic in Judaism. Avraham, Moses, and many others all practiced and knew very high magic.

This is not what I do, I am a simple herbalist/garden/ kitchen/cottage/witch. All that is involved in hearth and home that is where I am and hold. No high magic or ceremonial robes for me. My apron is my robe and my home grown lavender my athame, if you will. Most everything I know is self taught and learned from books and research, which I realize is not the best option, but you have to start somewhere. I think the most wonderful thing that I have discovered is that my mother, grandmothers, were all witches in their own way**. Oh, they certainly would not have called themselves such, (well, mommy might have °Ü°) but not my grandmother. Oh no, brujeria would be very bad, but that does not explain her insistence on having my pregnant aunt cut my hair under a full moon so that it would grow. HA!!

So this is why I keep this blog and why I will write here. I need an outlet for my magical thoughts and endeavors. So what if I am in in the closet. My life remains peaceful this way and I can quietly do my craft without hurting anyone, especially me. 'Harm none', you know, includes yourself and even though I am not Wiccan, (every Wiccan is a witch but not every witch is Wiccan), this saying works right along with Hillel's, "Do not do to other's that which is hateful to you." And hurting others is not my thing, so being hurt isn't either. Listen, I figure the wise woman of past times lived in their homes on the edge of town, and folks went to them for their remedies. Everyone knew what they did but no one talked about it and everyone benefited.

**witch: I prefer to use the term "Wise Woman". Truth is, if this was back in the day most of us would have been burned, hung or whatever cruelty or form of torture done to the. Anyone, particularly females, who knew the times or herbs was suspect to witchcraft. According to Wikipedia the word witch derives from the Old English nouns wicca /ˈwɪttʃɑ/ (masc.) "sorcerer, wizard" and wicce /ˈwɪttʃe/ (fem.) "sorceress, witch". The word's further origins in Proto-Germanic and Proto-Indo-European are unclear. The Oline etymology dictionary has this quote: "At this day it is indifferent to say in the English tongue, 'she is a witch,' or 'she is a wise woman.' " [Reginald Scot, "The Discoverie of Witchcraft," 1584]

Early Morning Medicine

2009-11-26T14:56:00.000-08:00

I have felt quite stuck at my latest Medicine Woman lesson. The place that has me stuck, I have come to realize, is a place that I MUST overcome if I am to become who I am meant to be. It is a place that is so pertinent to my life right now and may very well help me to finally begin to discover and allow myself to truly bloom. I came to this realization upon waking up this morning. It is amazing how this 'tween time is my most inspirational. I woke up thinking about the Medicine Woman, and then my mother and then my struggle with weight gain. I began to think about when I had my last major weight loss and how at that time I realized the excessive amount of weight I had put on were because of the emotional and spiritual pain I was in. As I began to shed my protective cover, I began to realize so much of this and release it. I kept it off for several years, but with the passing of my mother, (and a few other bombs that threw me for a loop right before her loss) a year and a half ago, I began to put back on weight. Slowly at first to be sure.

I began my Medicine Woman studies soon after her passing and have found myself struggling and struggling even more with the weight. Could it be depression? Probably a big part, depression and a loss of stability. But even so, why do I struggle so at this particular lesson. This lesson is the one regarding the archetype of the medicine woman and who she really is. Who she is in me, and who I am. As my eyes physically opened today, I felt my spiritual eyes open too and my inner voice say to me, "You are eating to hide her. You are afraid of your own power and what that will mean." Oh my, could this be true? I believe it is. I believe it because I began to feel a relief as the words sank in. I also believe it because as soon as the realization began to seep into my heart, I purposed to write this blog. I got up, in spite of the fact that this is a day off of work, and made sure to journal this moment and to get to work writing it all down. That is the trick, you know, with having a spark of inspiration, you must begin to breathe life on it or it will go out as fast as it came.

So here I am. Now that I have come to this realization, what do I do with it? I believe that my physical waking up is simply a symbolic representation of my spiritually waking up. I am waking up and now that I realize I am stifling myself and realize my fears I shall be able to eat more consciously. I shall reteach myself to pause, make a blessing, and eat and drink with consciousness and purpose. I shall not be afraid of my own power and valiantly walk the path I am called to. Where that will lead, I know not, but courageous I shall endeavor to be.

The early morning mist, off the dock in Maine.

A thought...

2009-10-29T14:54:00.000-07:00

To have commitment means to be utterly devoted . To be utterly devoted means that you have passion for someone/thing. To have passion means that you give yourself over with complete abandon. To give yourself over with complete abandon means that you are reduced and lifted to you most authentic and wild being. To be your most authentic and wild being means to walk in Truth.

Finding My Passion

2009-10-28T14:49:00.000-07:00

In lieu of my previous post, I have tried to be proactive and consistent in my search for my passion(s). Since I truly believe my call is to be a Medicine Woman/Healer/Village Wise Woman it only makes sense to do the work that is needed to be the best I can be and hone my skills.

I have begun to immerse myself in my learning. I am searching out and thinking of creating a ritual to help facilitate my learning. Perhaps, facilitate is not the right word, maybe I am actually simply trying to make it a meaningful habit. After all is that not what ritual is? A habit, a ceremony that is repeated and has meaning for those involved.

First and foremost I am setting aside a consistent time each day to do my very important Medicine Woman Mentorship. As I am only on lesson three, the work involved has more to do with me than learning about plants and herbs. Obviously, this is not the 'fun' stuff, but to be sure it is the needful stuff. It is what is helping me to wake up, focus and become aware. I am beginning to change my paradigm and open my eyes, particularly to my own healing and medicine. Along with this, the coursework is helping me to create my own discipline and beneficial ritual in my life and to define and refine my dreams and passions.

I am also learning about commitment and what this word truly means to me. One aspect of commitment that I have been thinking about lately is the commitment to the work and life I desire and to be committed to the care of the planet and its inhabitants. Upon looking at this sentence it would appear entirely too daunting for any one human being to undertake. But that, I am beginning to realize, is not what the commitment is demanding. Healing the world, for me, is beginning in this small way that I am. Small, slow steps. Steps that are ever taking me forward. Steps that are beginning with my own healing and discovery.

"Physician heal thyself". And what of this? Does this mean I have to be 'perfect' and healed before I begin the work that is necessary. No indeed, I do not think so, for if this was the case, than no work would ever be done. This work is what will bring my continual healing and growth. This necessitates not ignoring my own pain or denying it in a codependent way. It urges me to seek out the medicine I need. So seek I shall.

"The thing you set your mind on is the thing you ultimately become."

2009-10-26T14:31:00.000-07:00

This quote is from Nathaniel Hawthorne. I discovered it this morning as I was perusing Facebook. I decided to use it as my status, since for me it is indeed very timely. My mind has been set of a myriad of things and on nothing at the same time. I actually started reading "Walden" and so I have been thinking alot about living my dreams, or as Thoreau put it,'going in the direction of my dreams'. So when I saw this Hawthorn quote, it made sense and seemed to fit. If I set my mind on it, my dream, my reality, my authenticity, I will become it. It worked in my young motherhood, why not now. But here is the thing...I was so highly motivated when I was a mother. I was discussing this with a dear girlfriend/sister of mine and she pointed out a few things.

I think (and what do I know ;) ) it is because we found it more satisfying and worthwhile to do what we believed/what we knew to be right for our families than we do when we are just doing what we believe is our path. And so many obstacles stared us down and we quickly and easily adapted to whatever we had to. And there were so few choices. Real choices. It was always so easy to see what we shouldn't do. We were in defense mode more often than not. Protecting, raising, nurturing others. Now that we have more time to pursue OUR dreams it's so different. We are playing offense now! Able to aggressively pursue things, if we so choose. Sometimes too many choices! Personally I find it very difficult to let myself realize how much my life has changed. How so few people actually depend on me these days. Many times I said to myself (and out loud) I just want to live to get my children grown. Why? I never really had any reason to believe I wouldn't. But at times it seemed like a lofty goal. Now I want to live until I am done! Done with what? I don't know yet, but I feel like there is so much I still want/need to do!

I don't *think* it is a matter of self-worth, but as much as I am trying to enjoy this season, if I act too quickly on my own behalf, I feel a sense of guilt. Then I have to tell myself it's okay. That is what this season is for. While we are still young enough to start something new and actually finish it!"

I really think she hit the nail on the head for me! Being a mother was so easy for me inasmuch as I was highly motivated to raise my family, protect them and nurture them. I seem to lack this strong motivation when it comes to mothering myself and defining and pursuing my own dreams. It was indeed far easier to play the defense and know what was right for my family. Playing the offense for myself, on the other hand, means aggressively seeking out and walking in the path of my dreams.

Another friend who called me unexpectedly, continued this conversation with me. I began to share with her my struggles over my growth and my children's growth. I shared with her how lost I mostly feel. She told me that the trick is to find the "hobby that you are as passionate about." When she said that I almost leapt out of my skin at the epiphany I had! That was it! That was/is my struggle! My passion for being a mother, for raising my children drove me completely! It drove me to move to better locales. To end or begin relationships. To walk spiritual paths and lifestyles all for their benefit and betterment. Of course I benefited, but mostly in my role as a mother, which was all consuming. Now what?! Now what do I do? My children no longer need me the way they did. I reap the rewards of my past life by having a secure, trusting, respectful and loving relationship with each of them but what do I DO now?

I am searching for the Truth, thing, cause, purpose, devotion that drives me for ME and only me. I am in search of that which I believe, embrace, love, follow, walk, etc. because I believe it is good for me and only me. Strangely enough the difficult thing now is to make decisions for myself. To live my OWN authentic life, discover who the heart of me is NOW and to not feel utterly selfish or silly doing it. I suppose in many ways my 20 something year old children and I are on similar paths. Only I seem to be hesitant to push my way through the brush. I lack the recklessness of my 20's, the 'come what may' attitude which enabled me to take risks and hardly ever count the costs. But the Truth is these things are overrated because they lacked the depth of wisdom that I have acquired as I continue to walk the planet. Perhaps I am not leaping off the canyon cliff falling headlong into tomorrow, but I am steadily and more sure footedly climbing the side of the mountain and along the way, I am resting, enjoying the scenery and growing stronger and wiser. I think that for me it is boiling down to the discovery and realization of what my true medicine is. It is also coming to a place in my life where I define my heart and soul's dreams and let go of the fantasies that no longer serve me.

A Bedtime Song

2009-08-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

I have the privilege of being able to have my beautiful niece and nephew here with my every couple of months for a week. They are darling, active and sometimes all too much for me! After our busy day we have of course the bedtime ritual, bath, story and bed. Last time my nephew was up he requested I sing "twinkle, twinkle, little star" and so I did. He just loves this song, as I am finding most children do and is probably why there are at least three classic children songs to the same tune. I enjoyed singing the song and thought to myself 'what would be wrong with adding another song to the already famous tune?' I wanted it to be a special lullaby just for them. Well, actually I am sharing it here with you so you can sing it too to your child, niece, nephew or special child in your life.

A Lullaby

Now it's time to say goodnight,
Father Sun turns out his light,
Mother Moon wakes up and says:
Time for __________ to go to bed.
Now it's time to say goodnight,
Give me a kiss and hug me tight!

Artwork by Jennifer Nilsson

The Voice by Celtic Woman

2009-08-03T18:10:00.000-07:00

I stumbled on this video and was quite simply mesmerized by it! Please enjoy this lovely and very meaningful song.

"The Voice"

I hear your voice on the wind
And I hear you call out my name

"Listen, my child," you say to me
"I am the voice of your history
Be not afraid, come follow me
Answer my call, and I'll set you free"

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice, I will remain

I am the voice in the fields when the summer's gone
The dance of the leaves when the autumn winds blow
Ne'er do I sleep thoughout all the cold winter long
I am the force that in springtime will grow

I am the voice of the past that will always be
Filled with my sorrow and blood in my fields
I am the voice of the future, bring me your peace
Bring me your peace, and my wounds, they will heal

I am the voice in the wind and the pouring rain
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice that always is calling you
I am the voice

I am the voice of the past that will always be
I am the voice of your hunger and pain
I am the voice of the future
I am the voice, I am the voice
I am the voice, I am the voice

Wonderings on Religion and Fear, G-d and the Shechinah

2009-07-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me just state for the record for the most part I like religion. It is a fascinating and very interesting topic of study for me. I particularly like my religion, but I am not interested into turning anyone else onto it. In fact if you told me you wanted to convert to my religion I would ask you if you were out of your mind. It is hard to do what I do, but 90% of the time, I really like it. What does that mean? Well, in the religion that I practice, Judaism , I am pretty strict. I follow the laws of eating and the holy days, which means I am shomer shabbat and shomer kashrut. The things I don't agree with, as long as they don't make me crazy, I go along with too. What I don't like about any religion, including mine, is when it's leaders feel the need to teach you something to be fearful of. Usually it is a, "If you don't repent now, G-d is going to get you! Not only that but He is going to punish you AND our people in a BIG way!" I really HATE this! The main reason is because somehow I manage to STILL become FEARFUL even after all these years! I hate being afraid of G-d!

I suppose it's because of the abusive background that I grew up in with an authoritative, cruel and abusive father. I have spent much of my adult life trying to understand, and in the past few years, trying to re-create G-d in my image. I like see G-d more as a Divine Parent. Very much like the parent I have striven to and still strive to become. Loving all the time and allowing nothing to come between my children and I or damage our relationship. I also work at being accepting and non judgmental of the decisions my children make. That, quite honestly, is something I daily work on. Truthfully, as long as they "harm none", including themselves, I have every reason to be grateful. Thankfully, my children are highly moral and ethical people. Mostly they have taken different spiritual paths, or in one case a non spiritual path. That one was particularly painful for me, but this child is a very good and fine person. What more can a parent ask for? I get phone calls and wonderful conversations and we have a great relationship. I am most grateful for this.

The archaic and fear mongering image of the 'old man in the sky' were really escalating on the Internet since this past Wednesday night started the fast of Tisha B'av, the Jewish National Day of mourning that commemorates the loss of the first and second temple along with other national tragedies that occurred on this day in Jewish history. I just read (don't ask me why!) a blog that was detailing why American Jewry is in grave trouble and how all the mekubalim (kabalists) in Israel are predicting doom, doom and more doom for us over here in the states, mostly because of our lack of emunah (faith) in G-d and the result of our new president. ARGH! What is the point of frightening people into faith?! Does it ever really accomplish anything? To me it seems this baseless fear begets anger and hatred which begets disease and war, which end in destruction.

I lived so many years in fear and I don't want to anymore! I lived so many years fearing my father and his wrath. I finally distanced myself from him for some years now, but there is always this idea of the Thunder GD waiting and willing to get me. My father's cruelty and abusiveness apparently still get to me, especially in my spiritual life. I am happy to say that over the years, I have healed much and I have gotten better, but apparently articles like this still trigger emotions.

In many ways I think this is why I have sought to find and turn to the Shechinah, the Divine feminine. I personally want to know her better. In my recent readings, I learned a little about the sefirot and the Shechinah. The Shechinah is the Divine Presence, the Divine Feminine that is 'exiled' here with us on earth. As I understand it, this is where She desires to be, here with Her children. Judaism teaches us that the Shechinah is who is at the weddings, the births and the sickbeds. It is the Divine Feminine that comes to us to comfort and strengthen us in our times of greatest joy and need. I can see this and relate to these thoughts. I see Her and understand Her as the Tree of Life and the very Essence of the life giving Earth herself. I see Her as the Life Giver, the Nurturer, the Mother. I see Her and try to connect with Her. I find this easier as I hear and see Her in all of Nature.

I am certainly not trying to separate G-ddess from G-d, for as I believe and Judaism teaches Hashem is One. But One is not limited to (and in my opinion does not include) the 'Thunderous Old Man' in the sky. One is the Essence and Source. One is the spark of the Divine that dwells in each and every one of us, and in every being and thing that inhabits this earth, (yes, I am panentheistic). One is the YKVK dwelling in the upper sefirot and the the Shechinah here in malchut, the kingdom, with us.

She is not a deity of fear, but of renewal. She can and is awe inspiring! Sometimes this can be as simple and as peaceful as a birdsong, or it can mean something as terriblly awesome as an explosive volcano or tsunami. But She is not out to get me, she does not wait for me to make a mistake so she can hurl me body and soul into the pits of hell. She is Mother, Imma who will speak her mind, tell me how it is, and then take me in her arms and love me. She shows me and allows me to walk in my pain, and offers times of rest and refuge deep in her roots. She is to me more about relationship than religion, as she teaches me daily from all that I do and see. I hear her voice all around me and see her form in the rolling hills and knotty trees.

To me, I worship and seek to draw closer to the One, the Source, Divine, G-d and G-ddess, Heaven and Earth and every being that inhabits all and into which the Divine resides. I reject baseless fear and the perpetuators of fearful teachings. I embrace the teachings of Life, of Love, of Birth and Renewal. I embrace the love of the Earth and all of it's inhabitants, plant life and allies, animals and people.

I am sure this will evolve as I do, but for now that is my story and my current leg of the journey. I look forward to see where this will take me. To be continued...

Searching for the Hidden Joy

2009-03-09T18:13:00.000-07:00

Adar is a particularly interesting month. We are taught that Mishenichnas Adar Marbim B'Simcha, when Adar arrives our joy increases. Adar is about what is hidden, concealed and Adar is about potential. The potential to grow and to change darkness into light. It seems appropriate to have this month at the very beginnings of the spring when the earth is just beginning to wake from her long winter slumber. Seeds and plants that have been resting all winter are beginning to peek their heads up out of the earth and buds are appearing on trees everywhere. I suppose this why 'When Adar comes our joy increases', because the joy has always been there, it was just hidden. It was resting and nourishing that which it needed to and now the time has come for it to slowly spring forth!

The Hebrew letter that is associated with the month of Adar is kuf. The kuf is the one letter that decends below the surface and symbolizes that in adar the potential is there to go deeper. The letter kuf is the the proverbial "eye of the needle". It is the absurd difficulty before us, 'trying to get the camel, elephant, (pick your animal) through the eyes of the needle. The kuf also stands for "Kof" or monkey and symbolizes laughter.

The astrological sign of Adar is Dagim or Pisces. Have you ever gone to the river's edge and gaze into the water at first seeing nothing and then all of a sudden tiny fish appear everywhere! Fish live hidden beneath the waters. Fish swallow by their prey and According to the gemara in Esther Rabbah 7:11, "Fish swallow by their prey, but can be swallowed too!" It is a continual cycle of nourishment, of life and death and dark and light. All neutral and necessary.

Escaping with a Book

2009-03-07T18:03:00.000-08:00

The past year I have been reading more fantasy type novels. This is not my usual habit, but considering the way I have been feeling it is good to escape now and again with a book. I have just finished a lovely and well written book by Juliet Marillier titled Wildwood Dancing. It a fairy tale of a young girl named Jena and her four sisters. Her best friend and confident is an enchanted frog that perches on her shoulder most of the time. Her most joyous time is during Full Moon when she and her sisters travel through their secret portal to the Other World for the monthly Ball. Although a well meaning young lady, she must learn that she cannot and should not control everything and everyone. When her ill father leaves their home to avoid the harsh winter, Jenica feels the full brunt. She is not the oldest but very much assumes the role of the oldest daughter feeling responsible for her sisters and the household. The story though is far deeper than the young ladies escapes into Other World and has many things are not as they appear. Ms. Marillier delves deeply into Jenica's struggles and wonderfully shows her growth. Of course there is a Witch, various magical creatures and the 'bad' guy. Although this book is geared to young adults I would recommend this book to all.

Witch Ball

2009-03-01T18:12:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted a witches ball. My sister has several and I always thought they were so nice! Well, today I was visiting her and she gifted me with a lovely cobalt blue witches ball! It is so special, just as she is. I hung it up promptly as soon as I arrived back home and I just love it.

I looked up the story behind the witches ball and this is what I found on wikipedia: "A witch ball is a hollow sphere of plain or stained glass hung in cottage windows in 18th century England to ward off evil spirits, witch's spells or ill fortune, though the Witch's Ball actually originated among cultures where witches were considered a blessing and these witches would usually "enchant" the balls to enhance their potency against evils.. Later, they were often posted on top of a vase or suspended by a cord (as from the mantelpiece or rafters) for a decorative effect. Witch balls appeared in America in the 19th century and are often found in gardens under the name "gazing ball". However, "gazing balls" contain no strands within their interior.

According to folk tales, witch balls would entice evil spirits with their bright colours; the strands inside the ball would then capture the spirit and prevent it from escaping."

Mine happens to be cobalt blue and traditionally they were either blue or green. The are mostly made of blown glass or stained glass, but can be made of other materials such as wood, grass, or twigs.

Mine is now hanging by my window and on it's thin filament string it looks as if it is floating in mid air. Quite magickal indeed!

As soon as I find my camera I will take a picture of my witch ball. The image above is what mine looks like. It is from Molten Spirit Glass Studio's Esty Shop.

The Dark Night of the Soul

2009-02-25T18:00:00.000-08:00

All is hidden,
And nothing is at it seems.
Confusion seems to abide
Discomfort, my only choice.
Where has the light gone?
Where is my peace?
I wonder as I wander through the forest's gloom
Searching for a way out,
Looking for an answer...the Answer.
I seek to set a path, straight and narrow and am rewarded with cuts and scrapes on my already bloody legs.
I trip and I tangle, and struggle to stay upright.
I am led deeper and deeper into the darkness,
The sun is gone from sight.
My hands have become my eyes as I reach blindly in front of me.
I find the bark, the wrinkled skin of an Old Wizened One.
I caress her tall body and throw my arms around her crying.
"Oh help, do help!"
"Rest", she tells me, "Rest in my roots".
I allow myself to slowly sink to her base and find myself weeping.
Her own tears, as leaves, flutter down to me and comfort my weary being.
I lay my head on her breast and hear the heartbeat of my green Mother,
And I sleep.
I sleep the sleep of a babe in her mother's arms and am awakened with the song of the Morning Dove.
My eyes are heavy and swollen and struggle to open.
I look up and I smile.
She has not left me, she guarded me the night through.
"Rise, dear one and set yourself on your journey once again."
I hesitate to answer, wondering if I must and if I can.
"Why can I not stay here with you? Why can I not make my home at your feet?"
"Dear one, despair not, you will find me again, although perhaps by another name.
I may not appear the same, but know me you will.
I am the moss and the herb.
I am your song and your dance.
I am you and you are me.
You will hear my voice, you will feel my life and you will know my touch.
Do not fret the journey ahead and rely on no map, for there are none.
Simply quiet yourself and listen for the whisper of my heart.
Then you will not worry about the path, for there are many.
You will not worry about home, because you are here.
You will not despair and fear for I will be where ever you lay your head.
Partake of me and be enlivened once again."
I again shed tears.
I want to believe, but my faith was lost among the thorn bushes.
I want to trust, but my strength is gone.
Once again I lay at her roots, my tears watering them deeper and deeper.
Her tears mingle with mine and I am blanketed by them, resting once again.

I'm A Medicine Woman Too!

2009-02-23T17:58:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading this wonderful book by Jesse Wolf Hardin of the Anima Center. It is a lovely true story about Rhiannon, Wolf's 8 year old daughter, and her wonderings and discovery of who she is. It is a richly illustrated book with beautiful pictures of herbs, flowers, plants and all different kinds of Medicine Women. Written with 3-12 year old children in mind, I can attest that this book enraptured me and spoke to my own soul. One fun feature is the 'Name that Herb' game at the end of the book. It tested my own skill and has encouraged me to look deeper into each one. I whole heartedly recommend this book to anyone who has a child, knows a child, or has a child's heart and eyes and loves to play among the flowers! You can purchase "I'm a Medicine Woman Too!" by clicking the hyper link.

The Spiral

2009-02-22T17:56:00.000-08:00

Always spinning
Never ending path
First to the center and then back outward again
Returning back to who I will become.

Creativity and Colored Pencils

2009-02-18T17:53:00.000-08:00

This past Monday I was off of work, (thanks to the remembrance of deceased Presidents), so my youngest daughter and I scampered off to B&N to look at books and have a coffee. While I was perusing all the stacks of books I wandered into the New Age section and found the '09 Llewellyn's Magical Almanac. It is much like the Farmer's Almanac but with a twist, if you will. I bought one several years ago and remembered I enjoyed the stories and other information in there, so I decided to purchase this year's with the hope of finding some inspiration or at least diversion. After peeking through it a bit I happened upon the last article titled, "Be Magical". I really enjoyed reading this piece very much. The author made an acronym out of the words, Be Magical, using each letter as a daily reminder and encouragement. I was inspired by the words and decided to make my own illustration of the words in the book and create a reminder of my own out of it. Here is my creation using my favorite drawing medium, fine tipped marker and colored pencils!

Medicine Woman Course

2009-02-17T17:50:00.000-08:00

After about a year of thought and searching I have finally decided to enroll in the Anima Center's Medicine Woman course. I am quiet excited and nervous about it. I have always desired to be a Wise Woman and according to Susun Weed, all women seem to have this "invisible thread of the Wise Woman Tradition" running through them. Like many before me, most of what I did was self educated. The only things I have had formal training and certification in is Usui Reiki, Level 2 and being a Doula, through CAPPA. The rest of my knowledge in healing, herbs, reflexology, crystals and oils, etc., has all been through my own reading, talking to others and experimentation. To be quite honest I suppose that is how it is done, through talking to others, particularly women and especially the grandmothers. But I also wanted some guidance and mentoring and believe this course is the answer for me.

I have many hopes concerning this journey. I hope to heal myself, to release that which constantly tried to bind me and embrace that which frees me. I hope to become more whole and more authentic to my own nature. I hope to help others to also accomplish this. I hope to learn how to bring this learning and teaching to the city to help others. I hope to learn more about the plant allies I have growing right here where I live. I hope to help my own family and I hope to do more to help the folks around me. I hope to be an influence on all around me to stop and open their eyes to the magic that is around them. I hope to open my own eyes and see it too.

The Three Legged Stool

2009-02-16T17:48:00.000-08:00

Once I had three legged stool that held my entire universe. One leg was my religion and belief in the Creator I called G-d, the other was my mother, and the third was my children. It has been almost a year ago since the first leg was broken from my precious stool, the one that was my faith and belief. It seems almost ridiculous to tell you that the break was begun by one of my children, the third leg. They did not actually take it from me as much as inflict a severe break on it. How could they take something so precious as faith and belief from me when all my life no one could have done this to me you may wonder? I am not so sure myself. Perhaps I place too much value on this young one's opinion. Perhaps I was never so sure of my faith to begin with. I did try to hold on for a time afterward and refused to give up until...until the second leg was broken and removed from me, the leg that was my mother. She left me and this planet 10 months ago and the loss is irrevocably abysmal. This, I suppose, was the final blow to my wavering faith. I was and am still very angry. I was and still am haunted by dreams and tears. How could I feel so abandoned? How could I have reached this point in my life? There is much that has led me to this point. Now I feel like a lost child searching for home. My universe has tumbled and now I know not what to do, and thus I have been for almost a year. A year of loneliness and un-surety, of tears and sadness.

And what of the third leg you ask? Thankfully, I am most blessed among mothers and have the most amazing children that have come forth from my womb. They love and accept me, although I am sure they do not understand me. They respect and honor me and there is little if anything more I could or dare ask for from them. But alas, a one legged stool can hold naught of the universe I once cherished. They are most precious to me, but they need me in a far different capacity than they once did.

I once defined myself wholly as Mother and Daughter and now...now those definitions have slipped through my fingers like sand. I must recreate and redefine who I am. If I fail to do this I feel I shall continue my journey on planet earth sleepwalking, even as the living dead.

I stand here in the darkness holding my broken stool and see naught of what lies ahead. Am I imagining a vioce that whispers, ahead? I too am as Pandora, broken and fearful, I am peering into my box, reaching in and searching for Hope.

The Broken Vase

2009-01-23T19:28:00.000-08:00

As I look before me, I see the shards of a once beautiful vase.
Who could have left it in such disarray I wonder to myself?
I carefully look closer and see that it was once a stunning vessel of Light, multifaceted and tall.
Once upon a time it held regal long stemmed roses, at times beautiful wild flowers, and other times even a bouquet of dandelions eagerly given by small chubby fingers.
It seems that it had been broken several times before and glued back together. Although not perfect it still had a purpose. Perhaps it could not hold as much as it had once but it was a useful vessel nonetheless. But this time, the break was too much. Repair upon repair had made it weak and there was nothing left to do but to throw it out.
Throw it out? Such a waste, I thought to myself. Throw it out?? Is there not something that can be done, some way to save a piece, a remnant? As I bend down to tenderly gather the pieces I am careful to find each one. I hold them together and realize what I must do. They must be completely broken, crushed to dust and then recreated, reborn into a useful vessel once again. After the long and careful process I gaze upon the vase, and what I see surprises me. It is not the same vessel it once was, it is stronger and more useful.
I hold it up and gaze once more upon it's beauty. Once again it holds Light and wildflowers, roses and dandelions. It is tall and proud once more.
Looking deeper at it I see a reflection and it smiles weakly. The reflection of Light and of me shine back and we are whole.

A Tribute

2008-09-10T03:36:00.000-07:00

Almost four months ago, on April 8, 2008 at 8:30pm, I lost one of the most precious people in my life, my beloved mother. My mother left me suddenly and abruptly. I was in no way shape or form ready to say good bye.

I had just spoken to her on Sunday calling her on the way home from teaching. I was at a redlight and something inside of me told me to call her, be a good daughter, and so I did. A week before that my mother and I had been on the phone for about an hour...maybe an hour and half, talking about everything and nothing. I was finishing up a yarn belt I was working on for an upcoming bellyjam* I was going to perform in, my very first with the student troupe from my studio. I was so excited and I was telling mommy all about it. She of course was advising me on how best to make the belt and to not make it too heavy. When had been talking for awhile and I was eager to get my belt done so I told her I better get moving along. I told her how much I enjoyed talking to her and thanks for calling. She told me, " You can call me too y'know." I apologized and gave her all my very real at the time excuses as to why I hadn't called. I was busy with home, school, work etc. but I promised to call her. It was Sunday at that redlight that I was reminded of my promise. When she answered the phone I knew somethign was not right. She told me she was not feeling well. She had been busy cleaing the house, as usual and kept having dizzy spells. She hadn't been eating and just felt out of it. This had been going on since Friday and I told her that if she did not feel well by Monday she should go see a doctor. She informed me my siblings had already beat me to that piece of advice and yes, she was going to the doctor. I arrived at Whole Foods and again told her I better get going. She told me she loved me, as she always did and I told her I loved her too and to please take care of herself.

Monday afternoon my sister called me to tell me mommy was being admitted into the hospital for pneumonia and that she was septic. Her blood pressure was 60/40 but I refused to believe anything ill, she was going to be okay, I just knew it.

Deep inside I felt myself slipping for some reason. That night I went out with my daughters and drank several martinis. My sisters kept calling me worried and upset and I kept assuring them that mommy was going to be fine, I just knew it. I suddenly needed to smoke a cigarette (I am not a habitual smoker) so I decided to sneak out to call my SIL, my best friend, to smoke and talk her ear off in my very buzzed stupor. Mommy was going to be alright I kept telling her.

The next morning at 6:30 AM, my brother called me to give me an update. Things did not look well.
Again I repeated my then mantra, Mommy was going to be alright. I promised him I would be there by 1:00 that afternoon.
He called again, getting more worried. I told him more emphatically she was going to be fine, god was not taking another mother ** from me, and if he did we were going to fight.***

About an hour later my sister called me to tell me I better get there now because mommy was not going to make it until 1:00. I became frantic and I yelled telling her I would be there as fast as I f*&^ing could.

I drove the hour ride to the hospital and arrived at 9:30 AM. Mommy was already on life support, something she was adamantly against, but the kids just did not know what to do. She looked so frial, so small. She did not look like my mother. I wanted her to get up to talk to me. I wanted her to tell me it was a stupid joke she was playing, but she didn't. I made inane conversation with her about her lovely nails. I touched her and kissed her over and over again. She never responded.

My step father was in Africa on business and could not be reached, so the day went by with me my two sisters, my brother, my step brothers, and my aunt by my mother's side. In and out of the room we went, waiting. My daughters kept calling me and my poor son kept calling them. He was in Israel in school and was searching for good news. At one point we thought we had it and mommy seemed to improve. That was the last my son had heard. But just as quickly as we thought we had hope, it was wrenched unmercifully from us and she declined fast.

We knew it was over. After a heart wrenching and tear filled family meeting all of us children along with our aunt, (mommy's sister), entered the room to say goodbye. At 8:30 PM mommy took her last breath.

Part of me took it's last breath with her. My faith was shaken to the core and is no more.

It saddens me, that of all the people I know, I received only three condolence cards. My religous community seemed to disappear. There were a literally a handfull that called and sat with me and for them I will be forever grateful. My dance community though has truly been the greatest outlet for me. They are still the ones who hold out their hands to me and listen to me. They have truly rallied around me to hold me up. More often than not I arrive at class so depressed. They are always there to smile at me. Sometimes I just need to be heard, to babble about anything, and they are there patiently listening to me. Sometimes I feel like I cannot go on and they are there with open arms ready to embrace me.

This is entitled tribute and that is what it is. A tribute to my beloved mother who I miss everyday and everday wonder how am I supposed to live my life without her. It is also a tribute to my sisters and my family. My sisters who share my blood and tears and are so very precious to me. To my family, who have suffered the gaping hole that was left by my mother. But also to my sisters and family in the dance, who are also precious to me. My dance sisters and family who lead and follow me through my pain. My sisters who have tried to help fill the hole, knowing it will never go away but nonetheless try very hard to make it just a bit smaller by giving me the cues of their love and thier absolute acceptance. I truly love them one and all and I am grateful.

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* I never got to that bellyjam, (hafla, dance party) it was held the weekend after mommy left. I was told afterwards though that my dance sisters sent their thoughts and prayers out to me and several of them danced in my mother and my family's honor.

** My birth mother died when I was 5 months old in a car accident.
My mother became my mother when I was two years old. I never knew this until I was ten years old and could do the math. (Mommy was only 12.5 years older than me and I asked her if she had me when she was 12.) Not too many years ago my mother and I were talking and I told her my first memory of her. I was taking a bath and she came to the doorway. I remember exactly what she was wearing. I also remember thinking how beautiful she was, how she looked just like Elizabeth Montgomery to me. I looked at her and called her "Mommy". When I told mommy this memory she was shocked. She told me it was the very first time we met.

***The fight continues...but I do not know anymore and I am not certain if anyone is out there to fight with.

Note about the dance: I love the dance. I have danced one form or another for many years. When I started tribal bellydance classes I just wanted to learn this beautiful art form that had captivated me with the beauty of every woman. The tribe spoke to my need and desire for community based on nothing more than joy and empowerment. I wanted to exercise and celebrate my body and femininity. But what I have come away with was more than I ever could have imagined. I have true sisters who have and continue to walk with me during one of the stormiest times of my life, and believe me I can honestly tell you I have been through hell and back several times now. I am and will be forever grateful to them for it is a debt I can never repay.

Gas prices up...stress driving down

2008-07-17T03:33:00.000-07:00

I never liked driving. Not since the day I got my license oh, so many years ago. It was always a source of stress for me. Lots of cars rushing, along with me rushing always meant pressure rising. Getting in the car meant I had to be someplace at some time and I was probably running late. Not to mention the financial stress incurred by having to put gas in the car to drive.

As the gas prices have risen, it is ironic to me that my stress during driving has lowered. In an effort to conserve my gasoline usage, I have started slowing down. I am religiously driving the speed limit and I do not seem to be in as much of a hurry anymore. I am not speeding from one stop sign to the next and I am actually enjoying driving which is something completely new. I am no longer angry anymore and wondering what shade of green the person in front of me is waiting for at the red light because she did not gun her gas the nano second that the light turned green. Perhaps this is because I have become more conservative and gentle in my own pressing of the gas pedal.

The rising cost of gasoline has helped me to become much more relaxed and even zen-like in my driving. I ease on the gas pedal. I ease off the gas and ease to a stop. I drive the speed limit and allow those who haven't come to the light to pass me by. It's OK, they'll eventually figure it out, or not. For me, I am in the moment. I am driving peacefully. I now enjoy being behind the wheel.

And strangely enough, this seems to be helping ease the stress at the pump for me a bit.

New Book from the Library

2008-07-15T04:07:00.000-07:00

Being a relatively beginner to intermediate weaver, with no local shop in my area, I am always on the look out for a clear and lovely book to learn from. I just found this wonderful book at the library. It is so wonderful that I am going to put it on my wish list. It is simple and lovely. It gives basic instructions on warping your loom with super illustrations. Each project is truly beautiful using a variety of yarns and a gorgeous color theme. The author lists your weft and warp clearly on the side and of course includes a beautiful full color photo. Check it out at your local library and see for yourself. I think you will enjoy it also.

Smile Post of the Week

2008-07-13T07:57:00.001-07:00

Well, I thought it would be a good idea to post a happy thought or video to make both of us smile each week. So here is my first installment, a little ditty from Sesame Street. I first saw this one my second go round with SS. You see, I was among the first generation of children to benefit from the CTWP of Sesame Street. I loved it and was thrilled to get to redo it in the 80's with my son. Here is one of the new songs they introduced with my son's generation.

That was the really neat thing about watching SS the second time around. They still showed the skits I grew up with, like, 'Lady Bug Picnic' and 'C is for Cookie', and introduced fun songs like this one for my son. I really think this is a riot and hope it will bring a smile to your day.
Say hello to your 'inner child' for me.

Aspirations

2008-07-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

It's funny, as I was reading over my 'About Me', I was thinking to myself, 'if only girl.' The truth is, there are moments, even days where I can be all those things that I say I am. I see the good in everyone and everything, including myself. There are days that I feel the absolute joy of every moment. I can ride every wave that comes my way and brace myself through every earthquake. I reach my hand out to every one who needs and my heart beats with deepest compassion for my fellow being.

Then suddenly as if out of the clear blue sky, I find myself in the 'depths of despair'. This is nothing new, a pattern well established early in my life and still running strong. I am not so sure it is something that I will every over come or something that I even need to. Is it just part of my human journey here on this planet? The ups and downs and the ebbs and flows of life happen to most everyone I have ever chatted with.

The truth is, we are all aspiring for something more. That is why I say I am an aspiring wise woman. I aspire for all this and more. I imagine you do too.

With that, I welcome you, whoever you are. You have stumbled into my world and you are welcome to visit as many times and for as long as you like. This is my cyber swing, my virtual garden, my keyboard kitchen where I can visit with you. I will probably share a little of everything in my life and you will find that it is an amalgamation of a life that has been well filled with it's fair share of joys and sorrows.

Probably alot like yours.

Where has the Great Mystery gone?

2008-07-04T08:11:00.000-07:00

Some days I feel so spiritual and mystical. Some days I even feel Magikal!

This is not one of those days.

This morning is quite different and I am feeling everything but that. This morning as I drink my coffee and read other blogs, I am finding myself feeling sad, angry and quite cynical.

At this moment in time I have no belief and no faith and the whole thing seems ridiculous and pointless.

Some Wise Woman aren't I?? When I set up this blog I was feeling hopeful and dreamy, as if things could and would turn around. But today is another story. I am physically tired, emotionally drained, and after reading these posts on other blogs I wonder, what is the point?

Is it indeed a fact that there is no Mystery? No Spirit? No point to any religous affinity? Am I delusional to keep trying to find my faith?

Yesterday I caught my first baby. I am a doula and while we were in the car on the way to the hospital, the baby decided not to wait to get there to say hello, so on route baby came.
I caught the baby.
The most amazing thing that could ever happen, happened to me. I caught another human life. I caught her and helped her out of her mother's womb and handed her to her mother's waiting breast. She cried and rooted and mother and I were grateful for her healthy and safe arrival.
So why today am I am not dancing and singing the praises of the Creator whoever He/She may be. Why did I not grab my sefer tehillim (book of psalms) and say the whole book? Why am I not the happiest being on earth?
Even yesterday as she way being born I just knew that I had to do what I had to do and I did it. The baby was being born and I knew there was no stopping the process. So I reached out my hands and caught this new and precious arrival to the planet and handed her to her mother.
Where is my wonder?

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How can I be sodeeply influenced by what others write you may wonder?

It's not so simple you know. It's not so simple because the the rooster that is crowing so loudly this morning came from the egg you laid, kept warm and finally hatched.

It's all very interesting to me this whole process.

Tuesday Classes

2007-09-18T04:53:00.000-07:00

I love my Tuesday classes! I just love them!

When I arrive I am greeted by my sisters in dance waiting to learn and eager to practice. We don our hip scarves, assume our dance posture and we are off. Goddesses each and every one of us ready to touch into the deep femininity and sensuality of who we really are.

I am the goddess as my hips slowly raise up and down, sliding right and left.

I am the Gypsy Queen as my hand turn my goblet over and over in graceful floreos.

As is everyone other woman there.

I wonder where they are in their minds. Do they also dream of their lives as they should be…or could be?

We play with veils, we shimmy and twist and I imagine I am by a fire, in a village far away, dancing with my sisters, my friends. We laugh and joke and try a new move.

…and then the music stops.

We smile shyly at each other and replace our hip-scarves with our day to day garb. Time to resume our lives.

A sweet sadness fills my heart, and I smile again as my hips feel the soreness of their new found freedom.

Next Tuesday will come again very soon.